What do you do, When fear holds you back...?

I am all up for love. The whole nine yards. Do I personally feel I will ever know what it is like to be in love again…no. Do I think other's cant be in love…no. So what is the point of this? Well, its about love, and my feelings towards it. Its about my feelings about love and the feelings of how others will react when it comes to those feelings. You follow? Let me explain…(without names).

My life was FAR from perfect. Anyone that knows me will agree. But its in those moments in my life were I thought it WAS perfect, just to find out it was nothing but a façade, and pain is all I am destined to feel. It all started with my first boyfriend. And was it like every other relationship for the first time? Yeah, I guess so. You fall for him. Everything is right. Nothing could go wrong, and if he cheats, or lies, you forgive him. Why? Cause you know no better, and having someone there is better then not. (Which now I feel is twisted). But anyway, going thru that; the lies and being cheated on really brought me into "young adulthood." I never looked at kids in the hallway kissing the same ever again. I use to envy them. Wish it was me. But now, I hate it. Despise it. Want to walk up to them and spit in there faces, just for that one moment where they have to part and look at me sickened. That's beauty to me when it comes to PDA (Public Display of Affection).

Anyway, anyway. Life went on. I vowed (like everyone else) to never date again. But of course I did. And it was a surge of the moment thing which ended in a few months. So on and so on. Relationships that basically ended in disaster. Making me grow up that much more every time. And it continued until my recent relationship that ended after NINE FUCKING MONTHS!!!! It was the longest so far, and I tell you, it could have ended before it started. I was given the option, we fuck, and we do date. We don't, and we stay 'friends.' So of course I did the dumbest thing ever, and fucked him. Woot. And that turned into nothing but a sexual relationship. Fun...fun. But even still after three months of being called nothing but a bitch, and treated like such, I should have ended it. Especially since one person stood by my side throughout the whole thing, and told me over and over again, "LEAVE HIM!" But I didn't, and I probably hurt him in the process.

But after that there was one final one. The one I knew in my heart was different. One I thought would actually be a man about things, and do what he says. But how silly of me to think that God would ever be nice to me, and show me what a man truly is. I mean, my father is leaving us to go to AL cause he will not move to AR with us because my mother's parents are there. And my father literally hates them. HOW THE HELL CAN TWO PEOPLE THAT ARE SUPPOSE TO BE FAMILY HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH!?!?! I don't understand that! So instead of staying with his WIFE and daughter he is moving in with his friend. Tell me, is that a man to you? To me, its not. Not when my father sits there can tells me how a man should act. And here he goes against his own words. Talk about a hypocrite.

So back to this guy that I thought was a true man. Short story shorter, he was not a man, and became the very thing I hated. Fake, mislead, unknowing, immature boys! So he is out of the picture.

So, what does this have to do with being afraid to tell someone how I feel? Let me go on…

My friends are VERY important to me. I will gladly take a bullet for them and apologize for getting blood on their shirt. Even if they don't feel the same way, I would still do it. But a very close friend of mine has this way of always hitting the very buttons that she should know she shouldn't. I mean, its partially mostly my fault, cause I wont sit here and tell her this, but I cant. I don't want her to hate me, or be mad, whatever. Anyway. She is deeply in love with her boyfriend. (like all the other boyfriends she has had). "But this one is different." So I have heard for her for the umpth time. And that gets really annoying to hear. With EVERY one she has had, it has been that. Plus other things she says that she has said with 2 or 3 others. ANYWAY, she knows personally what it is like to get hurt. Me and her went thru a lot of shit that was the same, so I know where she is coming from when its about getting hurt by some bag of douche. Which is why I don't understand how after only being single after a bad break-up you would date someone…just like that!! But she did, and it one: confuses the fuck out of me. Don't you think you should take the time after a really bad break up to figure out shit by yourself? Not jump right back into it, and go on like whatever happened didn't hurt you at all.

But she did. And to sit there and hear how she loves him so deeply and blah blah blah (not being ignorant, but you know what blah blah blah is), everyday, all the time, non-stop. Drives me up the wall. I'm glad she is happy. You have NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!! I love her dearly and I am so glad she found a guy that does not treat her like shit!!!! But, slow down cowgirl. I mean, I have learnt this from experience. Words become just words when there are spoken so often. And every time you sit there and tell him every minute that you love him gets so fucking annoying. I understand you love him. I'm glad you truly do. But instead of saying it every minute, why not show him MORE!? I mean, words are just words unless you have actions to back them up with. Yes, yes, I know you show him. By the simple things like sex, and dinner, and all other little things you do. But how about going out of your way, and doing something that will blow his mind?! I don't know if he wants it or not, but its not really about you sitting there and asking him, "hey, if I did this would you like it?" Its you coming up with something from the heart, and showing him rather then tell him that you love him.

And the whole me moving thing. I don't know if anyone here really cares. I mean, it is really eating me up inside, and cutting seems so nice right now that's its tempting not to. But to have you one minute say 'omg, what am I gonna do without you?' then turn around, and act like I don't care only your boyfriend does, pisses me off and gives me mixed emotions on how you truly care. (this doesn't go ONLY for the one I talked above, but another as well). I'm a down-to-the-point person, either you care, or not. Simple as that. No, 'at this moment I will cause I want you to feel guilty about leaving,' and then turn around and be like, 'well its cool, you can go, your guilty enough.' I'm tired of it!!!

(To three people now). I'm tired of acting like a back up. I'm here when you need me all the time. But if I need you, where are you? I don't even wanna answer that. Cause its to much to think for the three of you right now. Don't get me wrong, hanging up with your boyfriend to talk to me cause I got ditched was a blessing. Letting me crying on your shoulder like a baby when I realized you were not my lil' sis anymore was love. And staying on the phone with me when I was piss faced drunk and you weren't getting off till I ate that damn toast, was more then love, that was a true friend. And I am grateful for that all. But what about now. I mean. I'm not cutting anymore, and that seems to be the big thing. I mean, if I was, you were there. Now that I'm not, your not. And I know I wasn't doing it for attention, but looking back, I think that's what you thought. That I was doing it for attention, so you gave it. And now that I don't, your not. So how is this suppose to work? Am I suppose to do the thing that you said I should stop just to have you talk to me like the friend you was when I did do it? God, this is confusing me so much now. All I ask is you still be there regardless that I'm not that cutter anymore. I still need my friend that I had in you. Which I hope I still have.

I just hope everyone understands. Understand what I'm going thru right now. I'm not moving away for college and will be back in the summer. I'm not moving into the next county. I'm moving away!! Half way across the US of A. I'm not gonna be here when you need me. I'm not gonna be here for you to cry on. I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE!!! God, don't you see this kills me inside. Of course I'm acting like I'm fine. Like this doesn't bother me this much. But how am I suppose to act, when I cant figure out how you are going to react. Understand now? I just wish I could make you all happy. Every last one of you that has a special place in my heart. A place that no one in AR will ever fill. A place that has your name on it. Regardless that I still don't know how it is you really feel about me, and me moving away. I guess after this is all done and said I will know. When I get that call when I'm on the road. And you are crying telling me your gonna miss me. You know, it would be easier for me if you still did it while I was here. That way I could be here for you. To hold you. To tell you that it will be fine, when in all actuality...

...I'm saying it for myself.