((I wrote this poem because I started to think about what someone told me tonight. Many people dont think I listen to what you say when you tell me not to be body shy due to my weight....or that, I look great dont worry about what others say...I really do listen. But one thing that was told me to, tonight, wan being shy was a form of fear...a fear of not being eccpected. And it began to make me wonder...why did I care if you eccepted be or not due to something so trivial?? I keep telling myself I dont care what others think, and in a way I dont..cause if you cant take me for my weight (which I have already eccepted and is working on) then...does that not show how little of a person you truly are? And I know I am way better then that. But at the same time I dont...cause I still am shy. Then, I thought about how love is suppose to mend all wonds...and my final question is...will it?))
NOTE: The regular font is me....the Italic is like my mind answering...and the "everything" is me, my mind, and soul.
Why must I seek your approval?
Why do I care what you think?
Why do I need to be accepted?
Why do I tell myself I actually don’t care?
To not have approval is that of failure.
To care of your thoughts show respect.
Being accepted is not being alone.
To tell one-self in hopes of believing.
Failure is something I can not accept.
Respect is something I was raised to show.
I fear a life of being alone.
Believing my words would make this easy.
Words of a father breed into his child.
Maturity taught at a young age.
No one in life wants to be alone.
Life, simply, is not easy.
I was Daddy’s little girl.
I had to prove I was mature to be heard.
Life alone is something worth being feared.
But having someone beside me does.
Daddy will always be there.
“Heard” is sometimes not when one speaks.
Fear will only tear down one’s emotions.
Family and friends will always be there.
Everyone will die, this I know.
But to take me seriously is what I mean.
My emotions need readjusting.
The love I need is more than that.
Death is but a step in life.
One must take themselves seriously before others can.
Emotions are frail and need to be handled as such.
Stop searching let the love find its way.
But is their death the end of you?
No…
How will I know I take me seriously?
Time…
Can love help mend those emotions?
Yes…
When will I know he found me?
Time…
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
..::What I Want::..
So...after reading a friends blog about what he wanted in a chick, I decided to write my own...tho I know people dont really read these things....but hey....its worth a shot. lol
~~What I Want~~
My number one thing has to be honesty. And I dont mean honesty just to me...but to his self. As I see it, before you can be true to someone else, you must be true to yourself. And a lot of people think they can do one without the other, and I dont feel you can because some where down the road it will come back in your face, and something will be said that you wish wasnt said. Or something along them lines. And one thing I cant stand is when someone tells you a lie because they dont think they can handle the truth. Well, its known that when you lie to someone, the truth will some how some way get to that person...then they will confront you...and then you will have to tell them the truth. And if they can go thru all that...then you could have just came out with the truth in the beginning.
Passion would be number two I believe. But not just passion to me...but passion about everything around him. But also I wanna see passion in his eyes, I wanna feel it when he hugs me...true passion. If there is something he wants to do in his life...something he wants to become...I guess I wanna see him go about it with passion...with a strong willed mind, and a determination to see it thru the end.
The nice guy. And when I say this...I mean it. I know every girl out there says "I want a nice, caring, sweet, down to earth guy" and then the next day you see them walking around the mall with a bad-ass, jerk face that doesnt really care about her...but just cares about being seen with her. And I mean a genuine nice guy. I hear it all the time when I start to like someone "Im a nice guy...I dont understand why girls look me over...I promise you, Im not like the others." Ok...I personally am tired of hearing this because every time I do...it turns into shit..and its nothing but a lie to get me in bed. There is one thing I will take from my first relationship and its how he use to always tell me "Show me you love me...dont tell me." I never understood that...but now I do. Words become just words when they are said so often...if you can say those words then prove it with actions...then theres nothing better but to see the love, hear the love, and feel the love.
Now, Im not in any order of what is best and what isnt...its just the first one is a major must...
Commitment. And this again doesnt just mean about me...but whatever it is he is doin in life...or what he is doing to get to that peek in life. If a guy has a dedication or a commitment about something other then me...then it shows what he could have towards me. And it also shows that commitment doesnt scare him. That the moment a girl says "I think love you" he goes running to the hills because he didnt want that. I understand rushing into things, I understand looking at her and telling her to cool her jets...but dont run. And I also believe those three words are tossed around WAY to much in this society. People say it way to much with no actions. Take your time...let that feeling of love wash over you. When you hold her breath when the phone rings cause you hope its him...then when you see it is you get giddy and have to take a few moments to calm yourself before you answer. Where you cant wait to be with that person even tho you saw him yesterday, when the thought of waking up next to them makes you smile because you want them there and they wouldnt wanna be anywhere else. You know...so on....
And absolutely does the guy have to have a sense of humor! I dont like uptight people who think they are better then others because of riches or parents. I want someone who can take a joke...let it be religious, racist, blonde, sex, or whatever. I am not saying to bash these things...but if you can joke about one set of people...you might as well be able to joke about them all. And again..there is a difference between joking..and taking things to far. And yet at the same time...he needs to know when to be serious. And this is not at all...all the time. Just when something serious pops up; I dont want jokes, I dont want laughs...I wanna talk about the seriousness, then when its settled, or talked thru..THEN make a joke to get me to smile.
And I think everyone needs to have goals, but since this is about me "dream" guy...he needs to have them. lol. And this is just some type of goal in life, or relationships, or just simply knowing what he wants in a girl (ok..maybe not JUST that...lol). Goals in life I believe are very important. I completely agree that people should take in the here and now, and live in the moment...but if you cant see ahead to the future and plan it, or work towards something you want....then you might as well sit at home all day doing nothing...cause in the future thats whats gonna happen. The future is as much of your life as the here and now, and if you dont look to it...then what are you looking towards at all?
I want a guy who isnt judgmental. Dont get me wrong...I like people watching, and I catch myself doing it all the time, but I dont do it in a judgmental type of a way...but more of a interested way. But this cause further then that...I mean homo-phobic, or racist. I cant stand people that are like that...have a sense of humor...be comfortable to joke about them and everything...but dont hate them because they are how they are and they cant change that. Not judging is something that also shows good character about ones self. And thats a major plus!
And of course sharing the same interests. This doesnt mean that if we completely hate the other person's favorite movie I wont date him..lol..but it means that if we completely cant agree with someone to watch on TV, or pop in the DVD player...then there's a problem. I want to be able to turn on my iPod and him sing along to some of the songs on there...to be able to watch football in the afternoon with me, family guy at night, the news in the morning and maybe some Ghost Hunters, or Star Trek Enterprise in the evening. I know...Im very diverse. lol.
In any type of relationship there needs to be a compromise. There is bond to be something that you are not gonna like about the person, but yet you do since its what makes them who they are...And if they are willing to love something about you that they dont necessarily like...then why cant you do the same? And not just that..but like...going to his place one day, yours the next...you know..things like that. I want a guy that knows how to do that.
I know there is more...but I think those are the highlights of what I am looking for. I hope one day I find him...*smiles innocently*
~~What I Want~~
My number one thing has to be honesty. And I dont mean honesty just to me...but to his self. As I see it, before you can be true to someone else, you must be true to yourself. And a lot of people think they can do one without the other, and I dont feel you can because some where down the road it will come back in your face, and something will be said that you wish wasnt said. Or something along them lines. And one thing I cant stand is when someone tells you a lie because they dont think they can handle the truth. Well, its known that when you lie to someone, the truth will some how some way get to that person...then they will confront you...and then you will have to tell them the truth. And if they can go thru all that...then you could have just came out with the truth in the beginning.
Passion would be number two I believe. But not just passion to me...but passion about everything around him. But also I wanna see passion in his eyes, I wanna feel it when he hugs me...true passion. If there is something he wants to do in his life...something he wants to become...I guess I wanna see him go about it with passion...with a strong willed mind, and a determination to see it thru the end.
The nice guy. And when I say this...I mean it. I know every girl out there says "I want a nice, caring, sweet, down to earth guy" and then the next day you see them walking around the mall with a bad-ass, jerk face that doesnt really care about her...but just cares about being seen with her. And I mean a genuine nice guy. I hear it all the time when I start to like someone "Im a nice guy...I dont understand why girls look me over...I promise you, Im not like the others." Ok...I personally am tired of hearing this because every time I do...it turns into shit..and its nothing but a lie to get me in bed. There is one thing I will take from my first relationship and its how he use to always tell me "Show me you love me...dont tell me." I never understood that...but now I do. Words become just words when they are said so often...if you can say those words then prove it with actions...then theres nothing better but to see the love, hear the love, and feel the love.
Now, Im not in any order of what is best and what isnt...its just the first one is a major must...
Commitment. And this again doesnt just mean about me...but whatever it is he is doin in life...or what he is doing to get to that peek in life. If a guy has a dedication or a commitment about something other then me...then it shows what he could have towards me. And it also shows that commitment doesnt scare him. That the moment a girl says "I think love you" he goes running to the hills because he didnt want that. I understand rushing into things, I understand looking at her and telling her to cool her jets...but dont run. And I also believe those three words are tossed around WAY to much in this society. People say it way to much with no actions. Take your time...let that feeling of love wash over you. When you hold her breath when the phone rings cause you hope its him...then when you see it is you get giddy and have to take a few moments to calm yourself before you answer. Where you cant wait to be with that person even tho you saw him yesterday, when the thought of waking up next to them makes you smile because you want them there and they wouldnt wanna be anywhere else. You know...so on....
And absolutely does the guy have to have a sense of humor! I dont like uptight people who think they are better then others because of riches or parents. I want someone who can take a joke...let it be religious, racist, blonde, sex, or whatever. I am not saying to bash these things...but if you can joke about one set of people...you might as well be able to joke about them all. And again..there is a difference between joking..and taking things to far. And yet at the same time...he needs to know when to be serious. And this is not at all...all the time. Just when something serious pops up; I dont want jokes, I dont want laughs...I wanna talk about the seriousness, then when its settled, or talked thru..THEN make a joke to get me to smile.
And I think everyone needs to have goals, but since this is about me "dream" guy...he needs to have them. lol. And this is just some type of goal in life, or relationships, or just simply knowing what he wants in a girl (ok..maybe not JUST that...lol). Goals in life I believe are very important. I completely agree that people should take in the here and now, and live in the moment...but if you cant see ahead to the future and plan it, or work towards something you want....then you might as well sit at home all day doing nothing...cause in the future thats whats gonna happen. The future is as much of your life as the here and now, and if you dont look to it...then what are you looking towards at all?
I want a guy who isnt judgmental. Dont get me wrong...I like people watching, and I catch myself doing it all the time, but I dont do it in a judgmental type of a way...but more of a interested way. But this cause further then that...I mean homo-phobic, or racist. I cant stand people that are like that...have a sense of humor...be comfortable to joke about them and everything...but dont hate them because they are how they are and they cant change that. Not judging is something that also shows good character about ones self. And thats a major plus!
And of course sharing the same interests. This doesnt mean that if we completely hate the other person's favorite movie I wont date him..lol..but it means that if we completely cant agree with someone to watch on TV, or pop in the DVD player...then there's a problem. I want to be able to turn on my iPod and him sing along to some of the songs on there...to be able to watch football in the afternoon with me, family guy at night, the news in the morning and maybe some Ghost Hunters, or Star Trek Enterprise in the evening. I know...Im very diverse. lol.
In any type of relationship there needs to be a compromise. There is bond to be something that you are not gonna like about the person, but yet you do since its what makes them who they are...And if they are willing to love something about you that they dont necessarily like...then why cant you do the same? And not just that..but like...going to his place one day, yours the next...you know..things like that. I want a guy that knows how to do that.
I know there is more...but I think those are the highlights of what I am looking for. I hope one day I find him...*smiles innocently*
Sunday, May 17, 2009
..::I had a Dream::..
Ok, so I just woke up from a nap about a hour ago…and I think I had one of the weirdest dreams. This is what happened.
First it started out that me and my mom were running thru this grave yard…trying to get to the Temple of Sunaglory. Or…something whacky like that. L.o.L. ANYWAY!! As we are running thru this graveyard…all of a sudden undeads were like…popping out of the ground. Ok…there was two…but that was enough to freak me and mom the fuck out. L.o.L. But…there was the grounds keeper. He told us we had to kill the undead in order to get thru. So…over and over we tried killing the two undeads. Mom would take one, and I would take the other. But…they would just pop back up…put their heads back on and charge after us. L.o.L. Well…we died. And instead of the dream ending….we ended up in a graveyard, and had to walk to our bodies….resurrect ourselves and wait five minutes before we could fight again. (Sound like anything). L.o.L. So this happened about 3 times before I started to take in everything that was going on. And the Grounds Keeper always stood in the same spot and said the same thing. It never changed. So, when that little speech about having to kill the head Undead…(teehee rhymed) I was wrapping a rope around his neck. And apparently after I placed the rope on…little thorns would grow on it, but never touch the skin. And this rope just grew. Like it started out 3 feet, and turns out…there was enough to wrap around the Grounds Keeper’s neck and around the two undeads. I told mom that once that was done to just run to the edge of the graveyard. And we did. And Of course the two undeads followed. Well, when they ran…the rope twisted, and the Grounds Keeper’s head eventually popped off. L.o.L. Then the other two dropped.
THEN…I had to go to the pharmacy to get mom her meds….dont remember what they were. I had like 90 bucks in my wallet (which…when I woke up I had to check cause it seemed SO real L.o.L.) and she didn’t give me the money to get her meds. So…I bought them with MY money. Well….when I gave her the meds…I held them up so she couldn’t get them, and I said “I want my money back.” And she was like “what?” And I said…”I paid for them…I want my refund. These are your meds….not mine.” Well…we got into this HUGE fight and she told me to get lost and go to school. Which I did…cause…
…THEN…I was in the school, we were in line to get food….which for some reason was in the hallway. And…as we get closer and closer to the food you find out what they were serving. Today’s special….Black Cod Fish….that looked like a small Comino dragon. My old gym teacher…Mr.T told me that if I went back into the kitchen they would make me something to eat. Just tell them I had an allergic reaction to fish, and they couldn’t refuse to give me something different. And I asked like what? And he said anything. So, I walk back into the kitchen…and of course 100 other kids were there. L.o.L. I told the kitchen lady I could go for a grilled cheese, and she turned around and made me lasagna…yeah…in 5 seconds!!! L.o.L. Amazing!!! So, I get my food and go to pay..and apparently…I had to earn my money…The cashier lady said that if I went and turned in this letter to the teacher on the third floor, and came back in 10 minutes she would give me 10 bucks…which would be more then enough to get my food. So…I ran like hell, came back, and got my food. And while everyone was eating that nasty shit…I ate lasagna.
Then I woke up. L.o.L. So…what you think? L.o.L.
First it started out that me and my mom were running thru this grave yard…trying to get to the Temple of Sunaglory. Or…something whacky like that. L.o.L. ANYWAY!! As we are running thru this graveyard…all of a sudden undeads were like…popping out of the ground. Ok…there was two…but that was enough to freak me and mom the fuck out. L.o.L. But…there was the grounds keeper. He told us we had to kill the undead in order to get thru. So…over and over we tried killing the two undeads. Mom would take one, and I would take the other. But…they would just pop back up…put their heads back on and charge after us. L.o.L. Well…we died. And instead of the dream ending….we ended up in a graveyard, and had to walk to our bodies….resurrect ourselves and wait five minutes before we could fight again. (Sound like anything). L.o.L. So this happened about 3 times before I started to take in everything that was going on. And the Grounds Keeper always stood in the same spot and said the same thing. It never changed. So, when that little speech about having to kill the head Undead…(teehee rhymed) I was wrapping a rope around his neck. And apparently after I placed the rope on…little thorns would grow on it, but never touch the skin. And this rope just grew. Like it started out 3 feet, and turns out…there was enough to wrap around the Grounds Keeper’s neck and around the two undeads. I told mom that once that was done to just run to the edge of the graveyard. And we did. And Of course the two undeads followed. Well, when they ran…the rope twisted, and the Grounds Keeper’s head eventually popped off. L.o.L. Then the other two dropped.
THEN…I had to go to the pharmacy to get mom her meds….dont remember what they were. I had like 90 bucks in my wallet (which…when I woke up I had to check cause it seemed SO real L.o.L.) and she didn’t give me the money to get her meds. So…I bought them with MY money. Well….when I gave her the meds…I held them up so she couldn’t get them, and I said “I want my money back.” And she was like “what?” And I said…”I paid for them…I want my refund. These are your meds….not mine.” Well…we got into this HUGE fight and she told me to get lost and go to school. Which I did…cause…
…THEN…I was in the school, we were in line to get food….which for some reason was in the hallway. And…as we get closer and closer to the food you find out what they were serving. Today’s special….Black Cod Fish….that looked like a small Comino dragon. My old gym teacher…Mr.T told me that if I went back into the kitchen they would make me something to eat. Just tell them I had an allergic reaction to fish, and they couldn’t refuse to give me something different. And I asked like what? And he said anything. So, I walk back into the kitchen…and of course 100 other kids were there. L.o.L. I told the kitchen lady I could go for a grilled cheese, and she turned around and made me lasagna…yeah…in 5 seconds!!! L.o.L. Amazing!!! So, I get my food and go to pay..and apparently…I had to earn my money…The cashier lady said that if I went and turned in this letter to the teacher on the third floor, and came back in 10 minutes she would give me 10 bucks…which would be more then enough to get my food. So…I ran like hell, came back, and got my food. And while everyone was eating that nasty shit…I ate lasagna.
Then I woke up. L.o.L. So…what you think? L.o.L.
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