..::If Only::..

Once it seems like everything is getting back on track...something has to come along and knock it off. Why...? Life is already miserable...why did this just have to be added. Shall I explain...? Why not...You already know the recent events of my life, and the sad thing about it...this isn't even half of my life's drama...it's maybe 10% of it...

I guess starting out from this morning would be best huh... Well, I woke up...had this horribly dream about raptors, and this chick from my old school that was even more of a bi*ch, being stuck in this dressing booth at wall-mart...with a raptor...and this chick...then being sucked back into my elementary years. The years where I think I was the most happiest. Where I didn't care about words cause I didn't understand.The time where I could slide down a slide, fall on my ass and have the kid behind me do the same. And it was just like this in my dream. I could see myself running around laughing, throwing wood chips at the other kids, playing jump rope, and sitting on those little round things that when you spun the middle wheel you spun so fast you would always fall onto the hot hard pavement, skin your hands and knees, but you would always get up and smile. This was how it was. And I could feel myself smiling in my sleep. Then, (I have colour-ful dreams) everything when black and white, and this dark figure came over to me and raised my chin. I couldn't help but smile back. He looked me in the eyes (I could only assume it was a guy cause of the voice) and he said, "your life has only begun, soon it will take the path of hate, hurt,violence, and pain." Then, I woke up. As if my spirit was regained to my present state. I looked around and realized...wow...if I only I could go back then and soak up those years. If only I could take the good days and make the stretch out longer then they did. But of course,when I was younger I couldn't wait till I was 18. And now I am, and al lI want is to be 8 again. It's funny how only 10 years could change someone's life.

After I woke up, I went downstairs for I had to piss...yeah I know...and my bro was in there. Obviously doing something that shouldn't be mention....so I won't. As I sat there for what seemed like30 minutes or so...my mom walked thru the door. She smiled at me and said that she missed me (due to the fact that she was at her "love's"all of last week and this weekend). I nodded sheepishly and yawned.Just to let her know I just got up. Finally my bro walked out...magazine in hand. Raising an eyebrow I stood help my breath and took my piss that was killing my bladder. I had a feeling that when I realized it was my great-ful time of the month, that today was indeed gonna be a bad day. Sighing I walked out and the first thing my mom asked me was if we turned the dinning room into a bedroom for her that way my bro could have a room upstairs. Of course, I didn't care at all,but it pissed me off cause when D.J. came to LIVE here that's what we were gonna do...cause my other bro moved in as well. We were gonna give him the dinning room, but mom said "no, I didn't do it for me, so I'mnot gonna do it just so your boyfriend can live here." I wasn't even thinking about D.J.. I was thinking about my brother. But God forbid I do that!!!

Anyway...so we all decided we were gonna do that, and it was gonna be done hopefully this week. Joy. Then...she asked about the trailer that Krystal was gonna try to keep so I could move in and get D.J. down herewith me. Well, I told her that regardless what I say she was gonna call Krystal's mom, get a time to go see it with her boss (who is the one that is wanting to buy the trailer) and there ya go. What I say, again,wouldn't matter. So...to make this shorter then it could and already is...mom called Krystal's mom got a time and what not, and they should be going to see it this week. Again I say...joy. I didn't know how I was gonna tell Krystal. After all she was trying to get it, and now its not only SOMEONE is buying it...MY MOM'S BOSS is buying. I didn't want there to be tension cause it was someone that was close to MY mom.

So Krystal got on YIM and we started talking, and of course the trailer came into the convo. A part of me wanted to lie cause I didn't want her to hate me, but she knows I don't lie, and I couldn't, not to her. So I told her. Told her everything mom said and what not. She's not mad at me...thank God, but she is upset at the situation. But who wouldn't be?So we talked about it, and I told her what I would do if I was in her shoes, and what I would do if I HAD TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO, but she looks at life I guess in a different way, and it's not the same. I guess. I don't know. I even told her I don't understand her some times.But that could be a good thing, puts interest in our friendship...makes me learn a little bit more about her. Not in a bad way either. So, of course she is upset with what is going on, but what can I do besides tell her I'm here for her always and forever, and it will be ok? I feel helpless...hopeless......useless. ..

And that's not it. One more thing...that out weighs everything else. My dad.

He called today to talk to mom, and every time he calls and I answer,he always sounds like he is about to cry. So, to make it so he doesn't I call him "Old Man." lol He chuckles at it, asked how I am, and then asked if he could talk to mom. I said yeah, and head the phone over.After a few minutes, she said she needed me, that she had a problem. I walked over, sat down and asked her what was up. She said it was because of dad, and him wanting to move back home. I wanted to tell her yes, that I wanted him home as well! But the look of anguish in her eyes told me that is not what SHE wanted. And I wasn't about to make my mom go thru pain just to make me happy. So, I told her flat out that i twas something that SHE was gonna have to think about and make a decision on. She said she would always care about "My dad," which is what she says all the time. It's never Tommy...its "Your dad."Anyway...she said that, but she said that she couldn't ever be his wife again, not after what she saw she COULD have with her "love." Not so much with him..but just in general. I guess that..."since I see what I deserve...I'm not going back to what I had," thing. The my bro got into it and started talking about how that is what he wished his wife would do....come back to him. And it started to get really emotional on his part. And I left to go up stairs before the water works began.

So, a few minutes ago...my dad got on YIM!!!! I couldn't believe it!!!!My dad...of all people got on. It was thru his sister's account...but it was still funny to see him come on and say, "Butterfly...you there?"I almost pissed my pants in laughter. Then to have him sit there for 5minutes to type "yes she did" was hysterical!! We were talking about what he asked mom and instead of saying "Maryland" he said "Marry Land." Which is what a lot of folk around here call it, and it was just so funny having my dad actually talk to me..thru YIM!!!! lol I had to avoid using "lol" cause I knew he would be like, "what is one oh one?"lol and I wouldn't be able to answer cause of the laughter that I would have to let erupt!!

I wonder what it would be like today if none of this would happen. I mean...some of the things that my dad did I now understand. But if all of this never would have happened...would I have still lived my life,feeling that my dad never wanted us...? I don't know, but I cant honestly say, that know that I understand...there is so much I want to say sorry to my dad for...if only I could muster the voice to say it without breaking down...