Will it get better...?

I'm tired of people acting like I dont understand, that I'm to young to know what is going on is someone's life. But I do. Heck, I'm going thru what she is going thru right now. Maybe a lil different because for me, he WILL be back, but her...he wont. And it hurts to see her cry every night because of it, and then to have her anger and hurt get taken out on me. My brother needs everything to be about him. His wide left him 2 years ago, and my mom made my boy friend leave just because she thinks I need to get my life straight. What is there to get straight. I'm 18, getting a job, and then me and my friend are gettin our own apartment. I didn't know that involved serious "getting straight" issues. But I guess to her it does, and when I told her that now I have to "get my life straight" alone, my bro decided to come up and bring up the fact that his wife left him. Yes it hurt, and I know it did, I didn't like them getting married anyway...so it hurt not only him, but the family too. But he had to bring that up, then he called me useless, and a b*tch. Its horrible when your brother that is the closest to you calls you then, then turns around and says "I love you." Which should I believe.

I miss my mom. And most of all I think I miss my dad. To have him so far on X-Mas is unbearable. And I don't have neither men in my life here to comfort me. So this year will be horrible. I know there will always be someone out there worse off then I am, but that isn't the point. Their life isn't mine, my life is mine. And tho I feel horrible for others, I need to take care of myself. I have spent to far caring for others and not myself. I think it is time I care for my life, my feelings, my heart.

I'm sorry for everything. For our love. For my happiness. For my life. And if it wasn't for the fact that I had my best friend, and him with me, I really don't know how I would make it this time of year. Two years ago I attempted suicide by O.D.ing, and my mom rushed my to the ER before my time was up...and now...tho I won't...an endless sleep looks good right about now.

Has this ever happened to you...?

You get on line...and then all of a sudden you have this really long message from some guy you don't even know? Well, it happened to me, and this is what he said...

Im here
I never left
NEVER EVER
WHY IS IT NOT POPPING UP
OMG WTF
DO YOU SEE ME NOW
DO YOU
HUH
WHAT DID YOU SAY
OOO0O0O0O0O0O0O0OBABY
OH YES
BABY
DO IT HARDER
SO IT ROUGHER
RUB IT
ROCK IT
YUMMY
IN MY TUMMY
FUCK ME
FUCK ME NOW
YOU WANT ME
YOU KNOW YOU DO
OH BABY
YES YOU DO
OK I'M DONE NOW
MAYBE
LIKE I CAME
BUT I DID
NOT
BECAUSE YOU DIDNT FUCK ME
DAMN IT
I WANTED IT
IT BOTHERS ME
IT'S LIKE YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE
DONT YOU WANT MY BODY
YEAH I AM HYOER
HYPER*
YOUR MY MISSISSIPPI QUEEN
I WANT TO ROCK YOUR WORLD
I WANT YOU
I WANT YOUR ...
.....
....
GOD
I LOVE IT LIKE THAT
I LIKE IT LIKE THAT
I NEED IT LIKE THAT
OMG I NEED YOU
COME TO ME
COME TO ME NOW
YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT
I LOV EIT
YOU LOVE IT
LMAO
I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOU LAUGH
WITH MY .....
BODY
I WILL SWAY YOU
WITH MY BODY
COME TO ME
COME TO ME NOW
YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME
FUCK ME
MIND FUCK ME
YOU WANT TO SUCK ME
I MEAN MY FINGER
I MADE YOU LAUGH DIDNT I
DIDNT I
TELL ME
DID I
PLEASE
I NEED TO KNOW
I DONT WANT TO SHUT UP
OMG HIS VOICE IS SEXY
OMG
YOU SAID IT FIRST
DONT READ ANYMORE
UNTIL I DECIDE I AM DONE
PLEASE DONT
I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER
WOW
SHE IS SPECIAL
THAT IS KIND OF SLUTTY
ANYTHING
WOULD GIVE ANYTHING
OMG
THAT IS SO RETARDED
SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP
SLASHED WRISTS
OMG
THAT IS SPECIAL
EPIC FAIL
CLEARS THROAT
EPIC FAIL
HE SAID IT
NOT ME
OMG
I WANT YOU NOW
I CANT RESIST YOU ANY LONGER
I NEED YOU
YOU KNOW HOW I NEED YOU
I NEED YOU LIKE SO BAD
DO YOU KNOW HOW I NEED YOU
WEDNESDAY
WED...
NES.....
DAY
...
ARE YOU NOT EXCITED?
AM I NOT A CLEVER FELLOW
BRITISH ACCENT IS SO MUCH BETTER
OMFG I LOVE THE BRIT ONE
I THINK I MAY BE DONE
I HAVE LOST WORDS
I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ELSE TO DA
SAY
DAMN ME AND MY TYPOS
DAMN IT ALL TO HELL
OMFG
I HAVE A HEADA CHE
YOU JUST SAID DICK
DICK
LIKE WANG
LIKE PENIS
LIKE SHLONG
LIKE THAT THING BETWEEN A MANS LEGS
YOUR GAY
YOU SUCK
LIKE MAN PENIS
BUT I AM SO NOT A LESBIAN
I SWEARS IT
I SO SWEARS IT
YOU KNOW I AM NOT
I WAS JUST JOKING
I JUST WANT YOU
I NEED YOU
YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
YOU ARE MY BESTY
YOU ARE MY MATEY
ARE YOU MY MATEY
AM I YOUR MATEY
ARE YOU MY BESTY
I NEED YOU
SO VERY MUCH
DO YOU LOVE ME
I LOVE YOU
THE TACO
AND THE
BANANA
NEED TO MEET
FOREVER
CONNECTED
PINK TACO
IT MAKES ME LAUGH
OK I AM REALLY DONE
I AM SO VERY DONE
I WILL STOP NOW
I HAVE TO STOP NOW
I HAVE TO GO
THE TIME TO GO IS NOW
THE BACKGROUND COLOR IS YELLOW
LIKE PISS
OK I MUST LEAVE YOU NOW MY LOVE
MY FUCK BUNNY
MY HONEY BUNCH
MY MILKSHAKE
MY SEXY KITTEN
MY VIXEN
MY FOXY LADY
OK WELL FAREWELL
I WILL MISS YOU
OMG I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH
I MIGHT MASTERBATE IN MY PANTS
I CANT HELP IT
I AM WATCHING YOU
SHIT DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD
I LOVE YOU
GOOD NIGHT
I AM WATCHING
I LOVE YOU
WILL YOU FUCK ME LATER
DAMN IT
I NEED AN ANSWER
YOUR HARD
YOU ARE SO HARD
OMG I CANT STOP NOW
I JUST GOT STARTED
OK I AM DONE,
I LOVE YOU
I NEED YOU
GOOD NIGHT
I AM WATCHING
TOODLIE TOO
....
....
....
....
...
....
....
....
....
....
....
...
....
...
...
.
I AM WATCHING

..::Questions::..

Is life ever what we think it is?

Going from place to place.

Person to person.

And for what?

That one moment of happiness?

Will it ever truly come?

Is it really out there?

Or is it some myth that was created by the Gods so they could watch us mortals run around for their entertainment?

Will we really know all when we die?

How can we even know that our souls will carry on?

Must we trust our life into that of words that men have wrote?

Wrote because another said to do it?

Words that really have no actions in this day and age.

Am I right?

Wrong?

Lost?

How will I know when I am found?

When will that moment of true happiness come to me?

Am I destined to live a life of seldom happiness?

Or is there something out there that I have yet to find?

What do you do, When fear holds you back...?

I am all up for love. The whole nine yards. Do I personally feel I will ever know what it is like to be in love again…no. Do I think other's cant be in love…no. So what is the point of this? Well, its about love, and my feelings towards it. Its about my feelings about love and the feelings of how others will react when it comes to those feelings. You follow? Let me explain…(without names).

My life was FAR from perfect. Anyone that knows me will agree. But its in those moments in my life were I thought it WAS perfect, just to find out it was nothing but a façade, and pain is all I am destined to feel. It all started with my first boyfriend. And was it like every other relationship for the first time? Yeah, I guess so. You fall for him. Everything is right. Nothing could go wrong, and if he cheats, or lies, you forgive him. Why? Cause you know no better, and having someone there is better then not. (Which now I feel is twisted). But anyway, going thru that; the lies and being cheated on really brought me into "young adulthood." I never looked at kids in the hallway kissing the same ever again. I use to envy them. Wish it was me. But now, I hate it. Despise it. Want to walk up to them and spit in there faces, just for that one moment where they have to part and look at me sickened. That's beauty to me when it comes to PDA (Public Display of Affection).

Anyway, anyway. Life went on. I vowed (like everyone else) to never date again. But of course I did. And it was a surge of the moment thing which ended in a few months. So on and so on. Relationships that basically ended in disaster. Making me grow up that much more every time. And it continued until my recent relationship that ended after NINE FUCKING MONTHS!!!! It was the longest so far, and I tell you, it could have ended before it started. I was given the option, we fuck, and we do date. We don't, and we stay 'friends.' So of course I did the dumbest thing ever, and fucked him. Woot. And that turned into nothing but a sexual relationship. Fun...fun. But even still after three months of being called nothing but a bitch, and treated like such, I should have ended it. Especially since one person stood by my side throughout the whole thing, and told me over and over again, "LEAVE HIM!" But I didn't, and I probably hurt him in the process.

But after that there was one final one. The one I knew in my heart was different. One I thought would actually be a man about things, and do what he says. But how silly of me to think that God would ever be nice to me, and show me what a man truly is. I mean, my father is leaving us to go to AL cause he will not move to AR with us because my mother's parents are there. And my father literally hates them. HOW THE HELL CAN TWO PEOPLE THAT ARE SUPPOSE TO BE FAMILY HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH!?!?! I don't understand that! So instead of staying with his WIFE and daughter he is moving in with his friend. Tell me, is that a man to you? To me, its not. Not when my father sits there can tells me how a man should act. And here he goes against his own words. Talk about a hypocrite.

So back to this guy that I thought was a true man. Short story shorter, he was not a man, and became the very thing I hated. Fake, mislead, unknowing, immature boys! So he is out of the picture.

So, what does this have to do with being afraid to tell someone how I feel? Let me go on…

My friends are VERY important to me. I will gladly take a bullet for them and apologize for getting blood on their shirt. Even if they don't feel the same way, I would still do it. But a very close friend of mine has this way of always hitting the very buttons that she should know she shouldn't. I mean, its partially mostly my fault, cause I wont sit here and tell her this, but I cant. I don't want her to hate me, or be mad, whatever. Anyway. She is deeply in love with her boyfriend. (like all the other boyfriends she has had). "But this one is different." So I have heard for her for the umpth time. And that gets really annoying to hear. With EVERY one she has had, it has been that. Plus other things she says that she has said with 2 or 3 others. ANYWAY, she knows personally what it is like to get hurt. Me and her went thru a lot of shit that was the same, so I know where she is coming from when its about getting hurt by some bag of douche. Which is why I don't understand how after only being single after a bad break-up you would date someone…just like that!! But she did, and it one: confuses the fuck out of me. Don't you think you should take the time after a really bad break up to figure out shit by yourself? Not jump right back into it, and go on like whatever happened didn't hurt you at all.

But she did. And to sit there and hear how she loves him so deeply and blah blah blah (not being ignorant, but you know what blah blah blah is), everyday, all the time, non-stop. Drives me up the wall. I'm glad she is happy. You have NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!! I love her dearly and I am so glad she found a guy that does not treat her like shit!!!! But, slow down cowgirl. I mean, I have learnt this from experience. Words become just words when there are spoken so often. And every time you sit there and tell him every minute that you love him gets so fucking annoying. I understand you love him. I'm glad you truly do. But instead of saying it every minute, why not show him MORE!? I mean, words are just words unless you have actions to back them up with. Yes, yes, I know you show him. By the simple things like sex, and dinner, and all other little things you do. But how about going out of your way, and doing something that will blow his mind?! I don't know if he wants it or not, but its not really about you sitting there and asking him, "hey, if I did this would you like it?" Its you coming up with something from the heart, and showing him rather then tell him that you love him.

And the whole me moving thing. I don't know if anyone here really cares. I mean, it is really eating me up inside, and cutting seems so nice right now that's its tempting not to. But to have you one minute say 'omg, what am I gonna do without you?' then turn around, and act like I don't care only your boyfriend does, pisses me off and gives me mixed emotions on how you truly care. (this doesn't go ONLY for the one I talked above, but another as well). I'm a down-to-the-point person, either you care, or not. Simple as that. No, 'at this moment I will cause I want you to feel guilty about leaving,' and then turn around and be like, 'well its cool, you can go, your guilty enough.' I'm tired of it!!!

(To three people now). I'm tired of acting like a back up. I'm here when you need me all the time. But if I need you, where are you? I don't even wanna answer that. Cause its to much to think for the three of you right now. Don't get me wrong, hanging up with your boyfriend to talk to me cause I got ditched was a blessing. Letting me crying on your shoulder like a baby when I realized you were not my lil' sis anymore was love. And staying on the phone with me when I was piss faced drunk and you weren't getting off till I ate that damn toast, was more then love, that was a true friend. And I am grateful for that all. But what about now. I mean. I'm not cutting anymore, and that seems to be the big thing. I mean, if I was, you were there. Now that I'm not, your not. And I know I wasn't doing it for attention, but looking back, I think that's what you thought. That I was doing it for attention, so you gave it. And now that I don't, your not. So how is this suppose to work? Am I suppose to do the thing that you said I should stop just to have you talk to me like the friend you was when I did do it? God, this is confusing me so much now. All I ask is you still be there regardless that I'm not that cutter anymore. I still need my friend that I had in you. Which I hope I still have.

I just hope everyone understands. Understand what I'm going thru right now. I'm not moving away for college and will be back in the summer. I'm not moving into the next county. I'm moving away!! Half way across the US of A. I'm not gonna be here when you need me. I'm not gonna be here for you to cry on. I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE!!! God, don't you see this kills me inside. Of course I'm acting like I'm fine. Like this doesn't bother me this much. But how am I suppose to act, when I cant figure out how you are going to react. Understand now? I just wish I could make you all happy. Every last one of you that has a special place in my heart. A place that no one in AR will ever fill. A place that has your name on it. Regardless that I still don't know how it is you really feel about me, and me moving away. I guess after this is all done and said I will know. When I get that call when I'm on the road. And you are crying telling me your gonna miss me. You know, it would be easier for me if you still did it while I was here. That way I could be here for you. To hold you. To tell you that it will be fine, when in all actuality...

...I'm saying it for myself.