Will it get better...?

I'm tired of people acting like I dont understand, that I'm to young to know what is going on is someone's life. But I do. Heck, I'm going thru what she is going thru right now. Maybe a lil different because for me, he WILL be back, but her...he wont. And it hurts to see her cry every night because of it, and then to have her anger and hurt get taken out on me. My brother needs everything to be about him. His wide left him 2 years ago, and my mom made my boy friend leave just because she thinks I need to get my life straight. What is there to get straight. I'm 18, getting a job, and then me and my friend are gettin our own apartment. I didn't know that involved serious "getting straight" issues. But I guess to her it does, and when I told her that now I have to "get my life straight" alone, my bro decided to come up and bring up the fact that his wife left him. Yes it hurt, and I know it did, I didn't like them getting married anyway...so it hurt not only him, but the family too. But he had to bring that up, then he called me useless, and a b*tch. Its horrible when your brother that is the closest to you calls you then, then turns around and says "I love you." Which should I believe.

I miss my mom. And most of all I think I miss my dad. To have him so far on X-Mas is unbearable. And I don't have neither men in my life here to comfort me. So this year will be horrible. I know there will always be someone out there worse off then I am, but that isn't the point. Their life isn't mine, my life is mine. And tho I feel horrible for others, I need to take care of myself. I have spent to far caring for others and not myself. I think it is time I care for my life, my feelings, my heart.

I'm sorry for everything. For our love. For my happiness. For my life. And if it wasn't for the fact that I had my best friend, and him with me, I really don't know how I would make it this time of year. Two years ago I attempted suicide by O.D.ing, and my mom rushed my to the ER before my time was up...and now...tho I won't...an endless sleep looks good right about now.