As it stands…it’s Christmas day.
Tho I should be smiling and laughing, and being with my family and unwrapping gifts, I sit at the computer typing this. Why? Ever since I was 14…the holidays that mark the end of the year, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, have never been the same. And it seems the more and more the years roll on, the more doll the holidays get. I cant even go to sleep the night before with excitement in my heart. If anything…I’m more excited about leave and starting my life.
And that brings me to my mood.
I woke up hearing my talking to her mother about, pretty much everything that’s going on. And one thing that came up…me. How I’m a failure here and wont amount to anything if I stay with mom. And it’s like…wow…I cant believe that’s how I woke up and started my X-Mas morning. But, what was worse was how my mother started to act as if I didn’t hear anything she said…so…it’s heartbreaking to know my mother feels that way, and she doesn’t have faith in when I finally get to TN.
So…now I have something to prove to not only myself…but my mom. To show her that I’m not a failure, that I CAN make it in this world and that I will get my Doctorial and become a surgeon.
So…that’s my thoughts when it came to this ‘wonderful time of the year.’
God, I hope next year is better then this one.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Emotions And Destruction
Anger, such a finicky little thing. The opposite of one being happy, or perhaps anger is an emotion all to itself. There is no way to explain why or how someone can turn from being happy and care-free to angry and bitter. I mean sure, you can look it up in the medical books and get a medically exclaimed reason as to one why would have such high and lows so quickly…but, lets take that out of the picture and just look at the anger itself.
No one really looks at how much such a simple emotion can destroy, and not just physically, but emotionally. What adds on to anger? Stress perhaps, maybe even jealousy or envy; such deadly sins getting in the way of one being happy and content.
But when the anger is directed at you, you tend to get angry yourself; especially if there was no need for the anger in the first place. So I learned to override the anger. Your mind, in a since, can not “feel” two different extreme emotions at once. When you’re happy, everything inside of your mind and body is just…bubbly. You’re care-free, willing to smile at anything simple because you feel good. And when you’re angry, you tend to take it out on everyone around you, for the simple reason of…you’re mad, everyone else can’t be happy, so…you want to make them mad. Hmmm, it seems selfishness came into the mix.
But what if, when one gets angry, they simply close their eyes, take a moment to inhale, let it out slowly, than continue with whatever it was they were doing. Not so much ignoring the anger, but not letting it consume you and what you do. And once you move away from the anger, you no longer feel it thrashing in your mind; instead you’re fine. And this is the perfect time to confront the issue of why you became angry.
When you’re little, your mother doesn’t sit you down and explain how finicky emotions will be when you’re older. And there really is no rule book as to how to manage one’s emotions; it’s something one must figure out for them selves. The best example that I can come up that almost explains how I feel right now is:
Your mother just made a delicious pizza for you and your sibling. You obviously want more of the pizza. So, your mother hands you the knife and tells you that you can cut the pizza anyway you want, as long as it’s divided between you and your sibling. So, you cut it into four pieces, two of them rather small, and before you grab the larger pieces and run off, your mother looks at your sibling and tells them they get to choose which two they want. And if you noticed…greed came into the mix as well. Well, you start to get angry because you know that in spite your sibling is going to take the two bigger pieces leaving you with the smaller ones. So, you pick up the pizza and throw it to the ground and walk away. Little did you know, your sibling was going to give you one big and one small…to make it fair. So, not only did you ruin the pizza, but you hurt your sibling and caused your mother to get angry as well.
I feel like the sibling.
They didn’t deserve the anger, and didn’t deserve the actions that followed.
Anger…such a finicky little thing.
No one really looks at how much such a simple emotion can destroy, and not just physically, but emotionally. What adds on to anger? Stress perhaps, maybe even jealousy or envy; such deadly sins getting in the way of one being happy and content.
But when the anger is directed at you, you tend to get angry yourself; especially if there was no need for the anger in the first place. So I learned to override the anger. Your mind, in a since, can not “feel” two different extreme emotions at once. When you’re happy, everything inside of your mind and body is just…bubbly. You’re care-free, willing to smile at anything simple because you feel good. And when you’re angry, you tend to take it out on everyone around you, for the simple reason of…you’re mad, everyone else can’t be happy, so…you want to make them mad. Hmmm, it seems selfishness came into the mix.
But what if, when one gets angry, they simply close their eyes, take a moment to inhale, let it out slowly, than continue with whatever it was they were doing. Not so much ignoring the anger, but not letting it consume you and what you do. And once you move away from the anger, you no longer feel it thrashing in your mind; instead you’re fine. And this is the perfect time to confront the issue of why you became angry.
When you’re little, your mother doesn’t sit you down and explain how finicky emotions will be when you’re older. And there really is no rule book as to how to manage one’s emotions; it’s something one must figure out for them selves. The best example that I can come up that almost explains how I feel right now is:
Your mother just made a delicious pizza for you and your sibling. You obviously want more of the pizza. So, your mother hands you the knife and tells you that you can cut the pizza anyway you want, as long as it’s divided between you and your sibling. So, you cut it into four pieces, two of them rather small, and before you grab the larger pieces and run off, your mother looks at your sibling and tells them they get to choose which two they want. And if you noticed…greed came into the mix as well. Well, you start to get angry because you know that in spite your sibling is going to take the two bigger pieces leaving you with the smaller ones. So, you pick up the pizza and throw it to the ground and walk away. Little did you know, your sibling was going to give you one big and one small…to make it fair. So, not only did you ruin the pizza, but you hurt your sibling and caused your mother to get angry as well.
I feel like the sibling.
They didn’t deserve the anger, and didn’t deserve the actions that followed.
Anger…such a finicky little thing.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
"Wants" and "Needs"
A thought came into my mind…
Is there really a thin line between what you “want” and what you “need” in life?
Should you obviously go towards what you “need” before the “wants?”
But what if the “need” is what you “want?”
Should you still go towards the “need” first?
Or does it really matter?
Confused?
You hear people tell you that no matter what life throws at you, you should decide what is something you “need” to do…or “need” to have before you place the “wants” into consideration.
For example…You have only 10 dollars. You know you “need” to have a gallon of milk for breakfast for your kids…and cereal. You should save the other 4 dollars you have left over for something important like let’s say gas to get you to work to make more money. But standing in the line, you realize you haven’t had bacon in a long time. So…do you take the few dollars you have and get the bacon or do you save it?
Any person is going to probably save it, and buy bacon on a later date. But…was it not the whole reason you going to the store were to get breakfast for your kids? Is bacon not a breakfast food? Was the 4 dollars only going to be saved for…emergencies?
Let’s make this more complex.
You have before you…two paths. Down path (A) you have everything that you “need” in life to become successful; a good paying job, a house, a nice vehicle, food and clothes. Down path (B) you have everything you ever wanted; a family, a yacht, vacations every summer, a winter house down in Florida, and biggest entertainment set up on the market.
When any logical person looks at this, they will tell you, you need to go down path (A) before you can even think about path (B). But…what if in someone’s mind…being successful is having a family and a nice job…that’s it? What if being successful meant being able to take a vacation every summer?
I think I came to the conclusion that your “wants” are not just based off of materialistic things. After all, you could "want" someone in your life and that said person would be someone you "need" as well to brighten your day, make you smile, or to simply be able to pick you off your butt and give you that smile to help you continue. Sometimes your “wants” intertwine with what you “needs” and when they do I think it then comes down to how you handle your situation, and how you balance everything out.
Balance. Such a major role in life that I don’t think people look closely at. Everything is stuck on asking God for help…or some higher being. Why cant people take THEIR life in their OWN hands, role the dice, take a chance, and go with it? Fear right? Well, duh! Everyone is scared that they will role the dice poorly, or make the wrong move. But it’s all about learning from that experience, and moving on further. Did God not say something along the lines of help yourself before you expect help from him? I know…shitty translation. The point…I am all up for God or that higher Power, being that comfort, that “go-to-guy” or whatever you want to call him. But…to just sit back and say “meh, I’ll let the big guy upstairs determine that,” just…irks me I guess.
Anyway…balance. Call this anything you want…the light and dark, right and wrong, left and right…Taylor and Tyler…Whatever…the point of it is to take everything in your life and make it work out for the best…for YOU. Not worrying about how your mom is going to feel if you go to a friend’s house before they move away. Or how neighbor Suzzy is going to feel if you miss one Book Reading Club Night to see your favorite T.V. show. Sometimes pushing your “needs” away for a “want” is not a sin…or something that people should look poorly upon…but yet learn that doing something just because you can, or want to helps YOU feel better, or relaxed…or just plain out make you smile.
I don’t know, I think as life becomes more progressed, and you move from the childish life you once lived and into the more adult version…you realize that there is no going back to change what once was. Or…fix something that you broken over something silly like money. That life is indeed something you must take by the horns…or you find yourself in the fetal position in the corner.
As I come to this foggy road of new dreams, new “wants”…new “needs,” new obstacles…I find that one thing will always remain the same; the fear of not knowing what’s ahead. A twig or rock that trips me or that knight standing above with his hand out to me. And I think my biggest dilemma is…do I continue looking forward without wondering why the path behind me came to a stop as it did so quickly, and painfully…or do I look back every now and then to see what I did have? Would looking back only hurt me…make me realize how much of a failure I was to not only my family and friends, but to myself? Perhaps make me realize how much I took for granted; my mother no longer being there to put me back on my feet, my friends not there to make me smile. Nothing.
And I can’t even see what lies ahead. It’s nothing but a foggy mess.
I already took the chance…rolled the dice, and now it’s time to take that first step onto this new path. Out with the old and in with the new. I’m no longer that little girl people picked on; I’m a woman with a heart torn and dreams broken. It’s now in my hands to fix them. Make them right…or at least better. And tho I “want” to have someone by my side, I know it’s not something I “need,” but yet, I know it’ll help.
Do I still draw that thin line?
Or do I just continue with what makes me…happy?
Is there really a thin line between what you “want” and what you “need” in life?
Should you obviously go towards what you “need” before the “wants?”
But what if the “need” is what you “want?”
Should you still go towards the “need” first?
Or does it really matter?
Confused?
You hear people tell you that no matter what life throws at you, you should decide what is something you “need” to do…or “need” to have before you place the “wants” into consideration.
For example…You have only 10 dollars. You know you “need” to have a gallon of milk for breakfast for your kids…and cereal. You should save the other 4 dollars you have left over for something important like let’s say gas to get you to work to make more money. But standing in the line, you realize you haven’t had bacon in a long time. So…do you take the few dollars you have and get the bacon or do you save it?
Any person is going to probably save it, and buy bacon on a later date. But…was it not the whole reason you going to the store were to get breakfast for your kids? Is bacon not a breakfast food? Was the 4 dollars only going to be saved for…emergencies?
Let’s make this more complex.
You have before you…two paths. Down path (A) you have everything that you “need” in life to become successful; a good paying job, a house, a nice vehicle, food and clothes. Down path (B) you have everything you ever wanted; a family, a yacht, vacations every summer, a winter house down in Florida, and biggest entertainment set up on the market.
When any logical person looks at this, they will tell you, you need to go down path (A) before you can even think about path (B). But…what if in someone’s mind…being successful is having a family and a nice job…that’s it? What if being successful meant being able to take a vacation every summer?
I think I came to the conclusion that your “wants” are not just based off of materialistic things. After all, you could "want" someone in your life and that said person would be someone you "need" as well to brighten your day, make you smile, or to simply be able to pick you off your butt and give you that smile to help you continue. Sometimes your “wants” intertwine with what you “needs” and when they do I think it then comes down to how you handle your situation, and how you balance everything out.
Balance. Such a major role in life that I don’t think people look closely at. Everything is stuck on asking God for help…or some higher being. Why cant people take THEIR life in their OWN hands, role the dice, take a chance, and go with it? Fear right? Well, duh! Everyone is scared that they will role the dice poorly, or make the wrong move. But it’s all about learning from that experience, and moving on further. Did God not say something along the lines of help yourself before you expect help from him? I know…shitty translation. The point…I am all up for God or that higher Power, being that comfort, that “go-to-guy” or whatever you want to call him. But…to just sit back and say “meh, I’ll let the big guy upstairs determine that,” just…irks me I guess.
Anyway…balance. Call this anything you want…the light and dark, right and wrong, left and right…Taylor and Tyler…Whatever…the point of it is to take everything in your life and make it work out for the best…for YOU. Not worrying about how your mom is going to feel if you go to a friend’s house before they move away. Or how neighbor Suzzy is going to feel if you miss one Book Reading Club Night to see your favorite T.V. show. Sometimes pushing your “needs” away for a “want” is not a sin…or something that people should look poorly upon…but yet learn that doing something just because you can, or want to helps YOU feel better, or relaxed…or just plain out make you smile.
I don’t know, I think as life becomes more progressed, and you move from the childish life you once lived and into the more adult version…you realize that there is no going back to change what once was. Or…fix something that you broken over something silly like money. That life is indeed something you must take by the horns…or you find yourself in the fetal position in the corner.
As I come to this foggy road of new dreams, new “wants”…new “needs,” new obstacles…I find that one thing will always remain the same; the fear of not knowing what’s ahead. A twig or rock that trips me or that knight standing above with his hand out to me. And I think my biggest dilemma is…do I continue looking forward without wondering why the path behind me came to a stop as it did so quickly, and painfully…or do I look back every now and then to see what I did have? Would looking back only hurt me…make me realize how much of a failure I was to not only my family and friends, but to myself? Perhaps make me realize how much I took for granted; my mother no longer being there to put me back on my feet, my friends not there to make me smile. Nothing.
And I can’t even see what lies ahead. It’s nothing but a foggy mess.
I already took the chance…rolled the dice, and now it’s time to take that first step onto this new path. Out with the old and in with the new. I’m no longer that little girl people picked on; I’m a woman with a heart torn and dreams broken. It’s now in my hands to fix them. Make them right…or at least better. And tho I “want” to have someone by my side, I know it’s not something I “need,” but yet, I know it’ll help.
Do I still draw that thin line?
Or do I just continue with what makes me…happy?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Life
Life.
Choices.
Decisions.
Paths.
Fate.
They say life is nothing more then a learning process.
To learn different experiences.
To learn different types of knowledge.
To learn the meaning of life paths.
To learn the true reasoning being choices and their outcome.
But one thing they fail to mention…
Life is probably the hardest things to overcome.
The hardest thing to get thru.
The hardest of all to understand.
To live is to have life, and life is hard.
You make wrong choices.
You take the wrong path.
You learn everything the hard way.
You learn from your mistakes.
But you feel no accomplishment.
Just defeat.
Self Betrayal.
Pain.
Injustice.
Unhappy.
Will you ever find the final path?
The one that gives you all answers?
The one that leads you to happiness?
The one that shows absolution?
The one that wont break away?
Life.
Lessons.
Living.
Hardship.
Ends.
Choices.
Decisions.
Paths.
Fate.
They say life is nothing more then a learning process.
To learn different experiences.
To learn different types of knowledge.
To learn the meaning of life paths.
To learn the true reasoning being choices and their outcome.
But one thing they fail to mention…
Life is probably the hardest things to overcome.
The hardest thing to get thru.
The hardest of all to understand.
To live is to have life, and life is hard.
You make wrong choices.
You take the wrong path.
You learn everything the hard way.
You learn from your mistakes.
But you feel no accomplishment.
Just defeat.
Self Betrayal.
Pain.
Injustice.
Unhappy.
Will you ever find the final path?
The one that gives you all answers?
The one that leads you to happiness?
The one that shows absolution?
The one that wont break away?
Life.
Lessons.
Living.
Hardship.
Ends.
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