Racism, God Given Rights, Peace

So, I just wanted to let something out.

.. ..

I am so sick of racism. Now this is not because of recent
events…no, this is actually because of a show I just watched where white folk
were saying they were the higher power. Now, lets go back a few thousand years
and look at this situation. In the beginning…religious wise…Jesus was born and yada
yada yada. If you think about it…Jesus was born and raised in ....Jerusalem..... This…was over there near
Inda...WHICH means Jesus was DARK SKINNED!!! So, how the fuck can white people
sit there and say they are the high power, the people chosen by God...when God’s
son was DARK SKINNED!?!?!? Ok, so in that aspect white people piss me the fuck
off with it. And I’m white.

.. ..

Alright…another thing. Slavery. Alright, I am sure that just
like all the African Americans out there, I hate what happened back in that
day. But this is the thing…it was BACK IN THE DAY! I’m sorry, but get over it.
It happened…over 100 years ago. Yes it was horrible, yes I hope all those
people that were apart of it get their judgment. But the chances of people that
were their in the time alive now are very slim! Generations later, there is
still hate! Hate between the whites and the black, and now for some reason we
all hate the Mexicans.

.. ..

Jews…you know, I have to say that these people probably have
had it the worse of all. Yes the blacks being sold and killed like animals was
wrong…but imagine that times 100! The Jews were took, tortured, and killed…because
of religion, something they believed in. The Germans…the Nazi...had no right to
do this like the people that took blacks as slaves. And I’m German. I am just
one fucked up person huh…?

.. ..

And that is where you are wrong. What happened, happened and
none of it was right! No one needs to be killed for religion, or race, or
anything. We are all suppose to be equal, we are all suppose to have the three
God Given rights; Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And so far, I
feel us as people…as HUMAN BEINGS have not been able to receive any of those
rights.

.. ..

I truly, and personally feel instead of being different
races…why can we not come together as one race. The race of being human being!
Of being people that seek liberty not from each other, not for religion…but liberty
of life. A life to live, a life of no racism. ....Liberty....…freedom…to live with no fear of what
tomorrow brings from other. Of being able to send your child to public school
and not worry about the hardship they will go thru. Pursuit of happiness, and I
think this one is the most precious of all. How can one smile and be happy with
the racial thoughts and beliefs that run thru their heads, and now that those
will carry on thru to their children? That just seems so wrong to me…as if that
person has no morals what so ever.

.. ..

War is something that I feel needs to stop. How can we have
peace with each other if we can no have peace within ourselves? How can you say
you have peace within your self when you hate someone due to religious beliefs
or skin color? How can you hate someone because of their skin color when it is
just an adaption to the sun rays from where they originated from? How can you
hate them and think white people are the chosen ones when (if we go by the
Bible) people originated in a place where the skin pigments had to be darker?

.. ..

These questions I feel I will never have answered until I
die and ask the head man upstairs. These questions I wish not to have to ask,
but because of the life we live in, they arose. I am glad I have grown up the
way I did, no racism, no hate, and peace within myself. It may not be the
biggest peace, because these questions leave me not in peace. But when it comes
to peace with others…I believed I have it. I hate no one for their religion, or
their skin color. In my eyes I truly believe we are all equal, and we should
all live that way…

.. ..

But alas…we won’t…not until people have peace within their
self.

Lips Of An Angel

(((The song title is the song I am referring to)))

................

Have you ever sat there and asked yourself what you were
doing? Why were you putting yourself thru something you didn’t need to go thru?
Or why you did something? Well, every day I ask myself those questions.

.. ..

I found out I am completely blocked by him. Oh well, that is
his choice, I just hope he is fine and doing well, and that is all I will say
about that situation. The question behind that particular situation is for the
fact that every time I listen to this one song I think of him. And I need to
stop. I mean after all, it was well over a year that he left…this October will be
2 years. And yet I still can’t get over it. I guess I can’t get over what he
did, and why he now wants nothing to do with me. I’m a person that likes
closure. I need to know why you did this, and why you did that. I mean you hurt
me in the process of it, so there has to be a reason behind this pain that I am
feeling. And to sit there and here “Oh you didn’t do anything…” Well, I know in
my heart that is a lie. If I didn’t do anything…then why the fuck wont you at
least talk to me?! At least keep that last promise that no matter what we would
still be friends?! Yeah, no answer right…because you can’t think of another lie
to tell me!!

.. ..

Lies.

I am sick and tired of them. Every time I turn around that
is what I am getting. Why the fuck cant people just tell the truth?! Yeah, some
may be hurt by the truth…but just imagine the pain of finding out what was said
was nothing more than a lie! Yeah, the intentions of lying might be in the
right place…but it does not make it right to do it! Think about the
consequences of saying something you don’t mean…all because you want to protect
that person. Protect them from what…? THE TRUTH?! If they can sit there and
take the lie, then turn around and take the truth and the pain that came with
it, I am sure they could have handled the truth from the beginning. Oh, but you
figured they would never find out the truth right…? Yeah, well think again,
cause some how, some way they will find out! It’s hard enough to hear it from
your mouth, harder to hear it from someone else’s, and worse to have to find it
out by chance! And then comes the confrontation. And then you finally let it
out…and then you feel guilty, you may even start to cry…and then what? The
person you lied to is suppose to pity you…for hurting them??

.. ..

NO!

I am sick of doing this to myself. I am sick of trying to
figure out what I do wrong. There is a part of me that tells me what it is that
I do wrong in any situation…and I admit them. But then when it comes to having
someone ignore you completely…it’s then that I try to figure out what it was
that I did…? ARGH! I am sick of trying to give everyone the benefit of the
doubt. Of letting them be the one that is in the right, and I am in the wrong.
I’m not half the time, and it’s now that I find this out!

.. ..

When will it be my turn to be just plain happy; even if that
means no boyfriend or whatever? But I mean…just happy. Genuinely happy. When will
my time come…thru all the pain and hurt, and tears and blood I have shed…when
is it my turn to put the tissue down, and to finally put a smile on my face and
mean it? Every time I think I am just happy…something comes and rips it away.
Like I will never be able to find it…or when I do…it’s not meant for me to
grasp it. Like the other night…I went out...had a blast! Something I have NEVER
done before…and it was great! To be able to sit there and just talk with a guy
was awesome! (I couldn’t think of a better word to use). And now…its like…I’m
nothing again, and that little moment of happiness I had. That small rip in
time that made me smile and really mean it cause we were hanging out, and
nothing was about sex…it was then ripped away the moment I went home and closed
it outside that front door.

.. ..

And to sit here and feel this is despicable. I know I may
not be skinny…but Jesus Christ!! Does my personality not mean shit to people!?
You sit there and hear how guys want a chick that isn’t self centered, not all
about money, and has an amazing personality. I can tell you right now…if I was
a guy…I’d date me! Lol But seriously!! I am just fed up with it. I try to sit
there and give reason as to why I haven’t even heard from him…and it’s like…what
the fuck is wrong with me?! People don’t hang out with each other every fucking
day!! But then I guess it’s that feeling of not being worth shit…so the moment
I think I mean something…even if it is being a friend to someone…I cling on to
it, because I don’t want to be just another thing to throw away. I understand
my thoughts…I understand my behavior. Well, now anyways. And now it’s up to me
to change that. And today I think was my first step. I haven’t called or texted
anyone…including that one person all day. And I wont tomorrow; not for a few
days anyways.

.. ..

Some good news though…

I lost another 5 pounds

AND

I might most likely will have a job by this weekend

.. ..

So…if I can’t be happy, at least I can get my life started,
and I can finally lose this fucking weight that keeps others at bay from me…ARGH!!
I hate the weight…and I swear…I will be loosing it this year! Mark my words!

Urban Dictionary...weird...

Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answer to each question in
the search box, then write the definition it gives you. If there's more
than one just pick the first one.





1) Your name?

REBECCA: ....

The name Rebecca originated from the daughter of Goddess of Beauty! She wanted to bring one and only beauty to brighten the world and she decided to name her Rebecca, the Shining Star! While the Goddess was looking in the sky with her Handsome Husband, she saw the name Rebecca Glowing in the SKY!

(Also got)...
Also can be a name for a dirty transvestite's thong that has not been washed.


~*~*~

2) Your age?

18:
....

The age where an American can: 1. Legally buy pornography 2. Legally buy cigarettes 3. Legally gamble in Indian Casinos 4. Legally be considered an adult 5. Be tried as an adult in a court of law 6. Be drafted for a war they don't believe in ... but still cannot buy alcohol.

~*~*~

3) Your roomie?

LUCAN(My Cat):
a hard out rock, heavy metal, head basher, mosher haha


~*~*~

4) What should you be doing?

LAUNDRY:
Laundry can and is often used as a code name for sex, for discussion
around people in public, or for people who are uncomfortable with the
term "having sex" or "intercourse."


~*~*~

5) Favorite color?....

GREEN: yes... it is most definitely referring to the marijuana... and also, upon occassion, any substance with similar uses. too, properly, of course, it is a golfing term, but that;s really not very much fun, now is it?

~*~*~

6) Hometown?

FAIRLEE: (wasnt in one word...so I did two...)

FAIR: ..
......

Good, ok, not bad, well done. a term mainly used around the music btec year 1 regions of stratford upon avon, said to be formed by 'slick'

LEE:
When used in the context of an Australian Male, the Term/Name "Lee"
denotes awesomeness, In 1842 a great man predicted that all males named
"Lee" in the year 1987 shall become 'King of the World' upon their 20th
birthday. Because this great philosophizer was shot in the back while dancing
to the 1842 one hit wonder "Hamertime" (a song about communist
oppression) the truth was never released to the public.


~*~*~

7) Month of your birthday?

MARCH:
....

Month in which creative, layed-back, dreamy, cool people were born.

~*~*~

8) Last person you talked to on the phone?

KRYSTAL:
....

Great greasy little hambuger popularized in the south. Founded in Chattanooga in the 20's, some people like to compare them to White Castles. A true slider connoisseur knows that a Krystal burger trumps a White Castle. Open 24 hours, the restaurant caters to many different clientele. However, to truly understand the spiritual meaning of Krystal, they must be consumed at 3 AM after a night of hard drinking. It is here where I will recommend that people suffering from constipation can find a cure at any local Krystal. The day following a Krystal binge will completely cleanse your gastrointestinal system of any remaining blockage, with prejudice. Even with the colonic hurricane that follows, Kystals are an absolute Southern treasure.

~*~*~

9) Favorite sport?

SWIMMING:
a way to stop from drowning


~*~*~

10) Your last name?

KINSER:
Kinser isn't defined yet.


~*~*~


Im a no body =( lol

...::Thinking::...

So, I have realized lately that thinking is not a good thing for me...yet I can not stop my mind. What is it I am thinking of you might be asking yourself, or wondering...
What if I just cut it off right there...with me telling you I’m thinking...Would you be pissed? I know I would be. That was a pointless blog, and a waste of time. lol Anyway...back to me thinking. Well, I've been thinking about everything. My mom, dad, my life, what has happened the last 7 months, Krystal, Jessie, my bros...and ex's.

Let’s break this down...piece by piece.

MOM: I love her so much, that seeing her put herself thru pointless bullshit hurts. She still wants to stay friends with David. (the lover guy). And so far it has caused issues at work, and issues on her emotions. Its like...we all know she loves me dad, or he wouldn’t be home right now, but its just that she loves him and is not wanting or maybe she is just not ready to get back with him has man and wife. Whatever that is fine. As long as she isn’t doing what she was doing...I’m fine. But, its still her trying to be his friend...I guess that, since I know how he is when they were "dating" what makes it any different then now...? His family will always come first, and he will eventually throw mom aside to be with his family.

DAD: I wish I could look at him and tell him he is trying too hard. He tells me that if only he could be moms friend he would be fine. Doesn’t he see that they are? Doesn’t he see that right now mom is content as far as her and dad are concerned? I guess not. He came to me the other day and asked what did he have to do to get mom back. And It was hard to sit there and tell him that it wasn’t in my place...which it isn’t. But still. I know he wanted to hear something that could help. But I cant do that, not when I know mom is’t wanting anything further with anyone right now. But I did tell him that right now he and she needed to work on communication. One thing they lacked before. And that it is a balance between him and mom. A balance that neither me or them could find over night. And it’s not something I will get myself into. Not when I am trying to get my life straight.

MY LIFE: And with this, I don’t mean the past...that will come later. lol What I do mean is my future. I need a job, my license, and a car. And after that everything will be a little easier. My future that is. I know the first thing I will be saving up for is college. I need to get to college soon to get my RN. And then I can get a better job, and save up for Med school. And then that’s another 8 years of that to be a surgeon. And some where between getting or having my RN I want my own place. And help mom out with her bills. So many plans...and as you can tell not once did I say..."I want to get married before I go to Med school." If you would have asked me when I wanted to get married about 5 months ago, I would have said "when I had the money, probably after I got my RN." But now...I’m not even gonna think about it. As far as I am concerned right now...men as asses...and I hate them...lol not really. But I definitely don’t want to be with one right now.

LAST 7 MONTHS: Most of you that talk to me and will actually read this knows what happened in the last 7 months. And this is everything with dad leaving, mom getting the separation, mom and David, DJ coming back, everything that happened with that issue, dad coming back, and mom and David trying to stay friends. Whoo! Fun...not really. I was suppose to have my own place right now with Krystal...we were suppose to be off on our own...but damn this town for not hiring anyone!! So, now its all about trying to get a job to get ahead…whoo. I don’t know what to really say about this situation…I mean it happened…I got thru it, with help. But I got thru it. And now, its still there…like the problems are just staring into my eyes. Waiting for me to slap them…or something. But I cant. So, do I walk away, or face them again? I don’t know…but I promise to get thru it as well.

KRYSTAL: All the shit she is going thru, I feel my problems as so small. And she might even think so when she lays there at night. But, there is nothing I can do or say about that. But I want everything to get better. We have been handed shit for years…our whole lives…and still it’s shoveled our way. I don’t want anyone else to have shit on their plates…and yet I wish it would get off ours. It’s not my place to say anything on her part…But I want her to know I’m sorry. I may not have done anything to make you feel such…but I am sorry that you feel that way, and that shit stills keeps a-coming. I wish one day we could both just wake up, and be happy. And everything would be back to good and happy times. Never gonna happen…I know…but I was just thinking.

JESSIE: I know we don’t hang out as much, and I am sorry. But maybe once you get out of school and neither of us are working…hoping I get a job as well that is, then we can hang out again. I know we wont be as close as were…but you are still my lil sis. And though you are a legal adult…and you mature just as well, you will always be my lil sis. And I will look at you like tho. But at the same time, I know you are an adult and you will be treated that way when it comes to me. I love you sweetie. I always have, always will. Some people wonder why I stay your friend after all the bullshit. But that’s just it…it was bullshit, and it’s not worth forgetting about you and just walking away. We have been thru some good times that will always and forever over ride those bad ones. I can remember when we were at your dads and we would sleep in the little house you had, and we were up all night playing vampires. Lol Those were very good times!

BROS: I wish Steve would get over everything, and start living! Not sitting on the computer and playing WoW all day, everyday, when he is up, and not working. That is wasting his life away, and its kills me everyday to see that. Yeah, I may play it as well…but I am also downstairs with dad, or walking around (when it’s not freakin cold). But what he does is sits there…play, and say “Life is just a way to prolong our death.” Like he doesn’t even care about the days he are given. Talk about being emo. And Sam…my poor poor Sam. When I went to get my GED, I had to write an essay on who my hero was. And I didn’t write about my mom, I wrote about Sam. And this was way before me and him actually became close. Lol But I wrote about him, how is went got his GED and now is making something of himself. We have always been competitive. And making something of ourselves is something that we will both fight over. He wants to be a cop. I am so proud that he wants to help people…yet at the same time. I don’t want wake up one day and see him…you know. But that is something I will have to push thru. I will support him thru everything he decided to do, and I know he will support me. I do love you both so much, and Sam…I am proud. I doubt you will ever read this…but that is ok. I know you know I love you, and I hope you know I am proud of you. You are indeed my hero!

EX’S: Ok, the fun part. Yes I deleted that one blog…but whatever it was out of immature behavior. Anyway…So far 3 ex’s have come back and 2 asked me to go back with them. I said yes to one…aka the 7 months of bullshitted drama. Anyway…the third one came and now I have this urge to just say forget it. Don’t bother. But that’s not me. I’m not like that, and I will never be that rude to someone. But, last night I was laying there…thinking. And Peter popped into my head. Lately I have been thinking a lot about him. Mainly because with any guy I run into I will compare them to Peter. Part of me says that this is because I am not over him. And this might and probably be true. Lol but last night as I was thinking…I thought about how funny it would be if he too came back. And as soon as that thought crossed my mind, and part of me wished he would. Just to say hi, tell me everything with him was ok. But anyway…I went to a friends page, that he is friends with, (She added something to her profile and I wanted to say hi) anyway…I saw that Peter had a new myspace thingy…and on it he said he was stationed at ....Camp.. ..Kinser..... Yeah, my reactions exactly. I couldn’t believe it. I had to look it up to see if it was real, and it is. But what a coincidence!!! And if you know me, you know why. But I laughed so hard when I found out it was true. I wonder what the look on his face was when he got stationed there. ^_^ Maybe he was pissed cause of it, and wanted to be re-stationed…I wish I could ask him about it. Maybe he will come back. I sent the friend an e-mail and asked her to send something to him. I cant even send him a message… =( Why am I even thinking about him…? I cant figure that one out.

I hope he is fine…happy, and doing well over there. I needed to get this out. I couldn’t keep thinking about it. I miss you Peter. I hope your fine.

Well, I guess that’s it. I don’t know what my heart and mind are doing to me. This is my time to figure some things out for myself…and figure them out I shall. Thanks for listening…well reading.

YAY for RETARDS!! ^_^

FUCK IT TO HELL!!! shitty fuck tard. I was typing something in here before..then I hit a button on my browser...and it went to that website so now I have to start over =( But since everything I DID write was in anger...I forgot it now. =( Oh pooh! Oh well, I know I was gonna post those e-mail so I CAN GET THEM OFF MY CHEST!! No names tho. I wouldnt be that stupid. So, this is an e-mail I received from someone after they READ MY BLOG called...".. PEOPLE!!...Read....Or Not...Doesnt Matter...LOL" ....

"You know I read your vent an I almost was gonna tell u a thing or two,,but I thought no your to be pitied not to be bitched at,,,cause your honestly hurting... theres really nothing to be hurt over,,its like chess sometimes u win an sometimes u loose,,__ knows u been talking with __ all along,,__ helps u know,,,but she really doesnt care,,because what happens happens,,an she has other things on her mind like a miscarriage,,u have a broken heart,,,at __ she has a broken heart an a baby gone,,your life is so hard ,,try being her age an already have that on your plate,,an then having a boyfriend that talks to u once a week when u need someone to lean on ,,but she dont complain no she deals with it like the mature adult shes become because of all the games,,an she doesnt leave little nannny notes to hurt u or throw it in your face,,but no oh catty beck has to start again,,if u want to be pissed off then be pissed off at the right person,instead of telling him how much u will always love him,,then get off your ass,,,an be with him,,stop blaming __ for him coming back that was a choice he made,,__ took him back because she thought he really loved her again not to hurt u or anyone else,,because she really thought he loved her an was gonna change an make a life an future with her we all make mistakes u know that first hand,,,good luck an I really hope u win,,but if u want to vent do it to the right person not __ she didnt set out to hurt u,,,can u say the same,,,HELL NO,,save your vents an use them when u talk to __"....

Ok, I really dont know where she got half the shit from. Cause if you actually read my blog..it states nothing about anything she wrote. Funny eh?
Ok this one...is after my latest blog "Really...fucking Really!?!?!"....

"U misinterpeted what I was trying to get across,I didnt go on your page,__ read it an u are catty,,u didnt right it to get it off your chest u wrote it so __ would know you two are still writting an talking to each other to c if she would flip out on __,,shes not going to do it,,she dont care,,an I didnt say u two couldnt be together good luck,,when it comes to deceit an hurting people u two r alot alike,,__never asked him to come back that was his choice,,an if he talks to u its his choice but when u vent use him not __,,__ isnt the problem,,as far as being __ friend u know thats just another dig at __ but I am proud of __ cause she doesnt care one way or thee other,,an like me neither do I,,,but all I was saying was leave __ out of your vents u do it to give her the information that __trying to get with u,,if thats what __ wants well __ his own person,,he will do what makes him feel could an the hell with anyone elses feelings..so go for it,,as far as talking to him,,u wouldnt of wrote it if u wasnt trying to start something,knowing someone would tell __,so u could hurt her that he cant talk or spend time with her but he can u,,well go for it an hopefully your cattyness an petty ways will win him back,,GOOD LUCK" ....

((Let me make clear that I copied pasted that. Lol. The other thing I did was __ the names lol))

Again...I dont know where half THAT shit came from either.My rants were not directed at her to be ignorant..and if one would have REALLY read it...you would see...that well, I was saying sorry to the girl for her being hurt as well. I guess she interrupted that as me saying "haha you got what you deserved" No matter. I know this was low of my, and I hate myself for doin it. But I blocked them both. Oooo I'm so mad at myself for blocking them..but it had to be done. Now, I am sure HE will get on and read this, and will probably let her read it as well. And I am sure that his brother will read it and tell her about it. No matter. That is not my fault. Who people tell about what I WRITE is on their heads. Not mine. I did this not to hurt...or be a bitch towards the person who sent it. No no, I did it so I COULD VENT!!! Show people, or maybe just myself the ridiculousness of what is going on. I know I wanted Krystal to see this, and I am sure she will read it and post a comment to it about how this id dumb or whatever…but it doesn’t matter.I never knew that you weren’t allowed to write something in your own freakin!!And then when you do, its automatically assumed that the blog was to hurt someone. Funny how that was NOW told to me. Oh well! If I wanna write something in my blog then I will do it. I do not put names…as you can see above. I leave them out. The only person’s name I used was his, every now and then, and Krystal’s. Cause I know she doesn’t care. Anyway…I think that is. Now, I spent my shower time on fixing up my blog page…I think it looks nice lol. Tell me what you think! And…since Im typing, Ill start going straight into my other thing I wanted to write about…after I post this of course!! ^_^

.. ..

YAY for RETARDS!!!!

.. ..

They make me smile! ^___^

Really...Fucking Really?!?!

Really people...?

I mean really???

So, not only am I being catty, but I am not allowed to write whatever the fuck I want in my blogs!?! What the hell?! This is where I VENT OUT MY ANGER, MY PAIN, MY FEELINGS!!!!! I dont come here to be bitchy, I dont come here to start shit as you so think I am doing. I do this for myself. Its not my fault that YOU come to MY page and read MY shit!!!!!! If you dont want to know what I am feeling...if you dont want to know what I write...THEN BACK OFF MY FUCKING PAGE!!!!! I refuse to be immature and block you, or make my profile private. I have other people that look at my page and say NOTHING TO ME ABOUT SHIT I WRITE!!!! So what gives you the right!?!? And truth be told...I only talked to him ONCE!!! And that was last night. Whatever he tells you, or whatever your daughter tells you is a lie. I refuse to shit there and be bitched at for nothing. And if HE uses his BROTHERS phone to text ME....its not like I really knew if it was his brother or not. I dont ask questions when someone texts me, I just text back. And I ASSUME it was his brother. May have been wrong of me...but I honestly didnt think that HE would ever talk to me again. Not after what he did!!

And if you actually fucking read my blog..I WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON HURT IN THIS SITUATION!!!!!!!! I made it quite clear that your daughter was hurt as well. I refuse to e-mail you back...and since I'm not I am feeling VERY FUCKING HARASSED by you!! Just stop. I can come to my fucking page and write whatever the fuck I wanna write. And if you and your daughter read it...fucking fine....go ahead. I dont care. But dont sit there and act like Im startin shit cause you looked at it....YOU ARE STARTING IT by thinking I am saying I was the only one hurt. CAUSE I KNOW I WASNT!!!!!

You know...just grow up, and if you dont like what I FUCKING WRITE ON MY PAGE...then back the fuck off it!!!!! Dont sit there and start shit, and start drama, cause I have other things to worry about...like my life, my job, and college. I even sat there and didnt message your daughter back cause I have nothing to say to her. And to answer her question...cause I know she will be looking at his too...no I am not coming up there...what reason do I have to do that!?

Anyway....Just back off. I'm not catty, Im not being a bitch...I am simple telling you to BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!! I didnt say shit to you...to your daughter...or to HIM! So what gives you the right to do this to me!? I am moving on...leaving you and your drama behind, and yet you find it funny to sit back and start the drama all over again! Yes, I do love him and I always will! But I am NOT IN LOVE with him. There is a difference. And I do not want him back..not in that since. Do I wish we could be firends....? Yeah, cause he is a great guy. I wish he would grow up...but he is a great guy. But will NOT I sit here and be his friend just so you can sit there and bitch to me that I am talking to him....NO I REFUSE!!!! You wanna bitch..thats fine...but dont do it to me..cause I dont wanna hear what you have to say. And if you didnt come to my page...you wouldnt be readin this and getting ready to send me another email. Bring it!!!! I'll read it...yeah...who wouldnt. But this will be the last thing I post about the subject.

WHAT I WRITE ON MY PAGE IS MY FEELINGS....I AM NOT SAYING THERE ARE WORSE THEN YOUR DAUGHTERS...HELL ME AND HER HAVE FEELINGS THAT ARE THE SAME ((WHICH IS PAIN AND HURT)))...JUST DIFFERENT REASONS BEHIND IT!!!!!!

Lastly I say this...if you dont like what I write...BACK THE FUCK OFF!!

~.~.~

(((I will be writting another blog shortly after this...but first I must take a shower and text 007!)))

People...Read...Or Not...Doesnt Matter...LOL

So, let me get this straight, you think its ok to just come to me and say you're sorry about everything? That you know how I feel? That it was all for the best? Let me tell you something sweetcakes...you DONT know how I feel. He was YOUR FIRST...You dont know what it is like to be hurt, over and over and over and over and over again...and THEN hurt again by someone you started to trust again! What you are feeling and what I am feeling are two DIFFERENT things. Besides...he went back to you. I dont know if you read my blogs, look at the comments I posted to people that you know...or mabye you and him sat down and decided it was time to say sorry for what you have done to ME! I dont know what the case may be...but truth be told I am hurt like hell!!! I wish I was like him...just able to push someone away like he did you to go back out with someone, then just to push the someone aside to go back with the first one (you). But I cant. Wanna know why...? Cause my LOVE is real. Its true. And its not something you can just say one minute and mean it, but turn around and not mean it the second something happens. Wanna know what else...? I dont run from my problems...I dont push the best thing that has happened in my life away because of guilt! Or because of FEAR! I dont do that! And I wish he would learn to stop. Not because of me...no...fuck me...but because of you! I hope he does grows up and means it. Cause with everything he has been doin to me after HE left ME, has not been grown up at all! You two wanna act immature about it...fine. Be my guest...I dont care. But I have better things to do in my life.

And you are right, Im not gonna kill myself over him or ANYONE else for that matter!! My life is so valuable to be just thrown away due to some ASSHOLE that decided guilt was too much to bear, and that fear was something that did indeed conqure..."love." But when I wrote that I was hurt, mad, angry, confused...you know the whole nine yards when it comes to a break up. And you personally should know about that.

And I started to talk to a really great guy that is NOTHING more than my friend. He has been making me laugh thru all this, and I can not thank him enough...and if I didnt say it already THANK YOU A***!!!!

To the asshole that left me lifeless...what Krystal told you was true, she has been taking care of me way before you and will do so long after, so dont sit there and act all concerned about me and worried that I will do something stupid...and that you want her to take care of me. You know what...if you did care...if there was ANY part of you that loved me more then God does...then you wouldnt have done what you did. Not because of guilt! Or fear for that matter! You know...maybe the stupid thing was thinking you grew up, and were now able to confront your fears and be able to embrace ALL emotions. Love, fear, hurt, happiness, pain, etc. But...apparently not. Maybe one day you will. I have to say tho, thanks for walking into my life, walk out, then back in...and just to walk back out. I can PROMISE you one more thing tho. I will NEVER EVER think about takin you back. Not after this. Not after what you have done to me. Not after what you have done to her as well. It was wrong, childish, stupid, and immature. I will forgive you however...cause I refuse to give you the satisfaction of me hating you. I wont you to go to sleep at night KNOWING that I will FOREVER and ALWAYS love you!! Cause I will...and always will.

Krystal...my lover...if she were a man..and single...lol. I can not thank you enough. You have been by my side thru all this shit and then some. I will never be able to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. If there was ever a way to be soul-mates and not in that lover sense...lol...then you would be mine. ((I know I know...lesbian-ish lol))) But you know what I mean. I love you Banana...more then those three little...incomprehension words can describe! I would lay my life down..I would go to jail...I would take a bullet..anything you would need to make your life better I would do. But I think right now the best thing I can do is be there with you thru all your shit as well. To be your shoulder to cry on. To give you support when you need it. I know I will never think I am doing you justice for all that you have done and will do for me. ((Yes, I see the future)). But I hope the little that I KNOW I do, helps you in whatever way possible. And maybe one day I will be able to look at you and show and tell you how much you truly mean to me. You are my lifesaver! I thank you for it! There will never be anyone to replace you...my best friend!

*Sigh* ok...Im not mad at you for sending that message...actually there is a SMALL...well...SMALL part of me that thanks you for being slightly mature about it, and saying sorry. I accept it. And like I sent that message to your mother...I am sorry as well. This shit should HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!! Some times I wonder why you took him back. I mean if all the shit you told me was true, and then this...why would you take him back?? Are you afraid that he is the only thing that makes you feel worthy...worthy of love??...of acceptance?? Well, maybe you will realize he's not. Not after what he put you and I thru. I wish him no harm, for like I said, I do love him, and I care deeply about him. But I will never look at him the same...or ever talk to him again. Not after this. I hope you the best. I hope you wake up one day and think all this thru. I hope he grows up. I hope he lives a great wonderful life without me. I hope...I hope for a lot of things...and not one of them is coming true.

~.~.~

Like that 20 Mill I owe A*** to show him Im the one... LMAO ((Inside joke...you wouldnt get it)) Eh, Ill get it in like 10 years...but...oh no...the divorce!!! Whatever will he do!?!


~.~.~

~Speical thanks to my self control for not over doing it this time.
~Thanks to Krystal for being my...princess...who let down...her long...hair for me...lol
~And A***...you are indeed a funny mother fucker. Glad I met you!! My 007!

My Prince Charming

The Duke of Diamonds in the Rough

Okay, so your perfect prince is more beast than beauty. So what? Whether he's shy, studious or simply different from the other guys you've fallen for in the past, you're interested in what he has to offer inside. And good for you! That means that you have loads of self-confidence and aren't focusing on superficial things in a man. You know that there's often more to someone than meets the eye. Your ideal Prince Charming is practical, but likes to surprise you with special treats. He's the type who keeps you guessing and you love it.

But like Thumbelina's little walnut bed, this kind of guy might be a tough nut to crack. He's a challenge, but maybe that's what attracts you to his type in the first place. The way to win this prince's heart is by sticking it out long enough to become one of the treasured few who are allowed to see his best side, his soft side. Be patient, be supportive -- and let him be himself.

Is the thrill of molding and shaping a man to meet your standards part of the attraction for you? If you're the kind of woman who falls for fixer-uppers on a regular basis, consider this advice for future relationships. "Focus on finding the best in people, not the worst," says Wendy Paris, author of Happily Ever After. "You never know how a relationship will evolve." One word of warning, though: Just be careful not to let too much bad behavior happen on your watch. Patience is indeed a virtue, but putting up with temper tantrums or standoffish behavior is no way for a princess to behave. Compatibility is the name of the game, whether it's once upon a time or the 21st century.

This, was just amazingly funny!

NA is the one that you love.

Peter is one you like but can't work out.

You care most about Krystal.

Drema is the one who knows you very well.

Jason is your lucky star.

Forever Love is the song that matches with Andy.

Am I not pretty enough is the song for Peter.

Hold on for one more day is the song that tells you most about your mind.

And Mad world is the song telling how you feel about life!

Funniest Thing I Have Ever Read ((PT. 3))

Better then before...? Perhaps...still funny as fuck....from the same site...lol

((WARNING!!! May Not Be suitable....of fuck it...just read it!!!))

Someone: Best suicide plan ever
Unknown: what is it?
Someone: You go up to the top of a roof. String piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level. Tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched. Then you put super glue on your hands. And put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head, Then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows. When the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere. And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
Unknown: i dont think i can be your friend anymore


Unknown: do you know a turtles only weakness?
Someone: no
Someone: well
Someone: thier slowness
Unknown: no, there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
Someone: lol
Unknown: now i have a plan
Unknown:: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable


Unknown:: If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?
Someone: Spider Man
Anonymous: batman
Bob: batman
Unknown: I'd be god


Someone: you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots. I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT!! the Trix rabbit, for example. I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking KILLING some kids. I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN FUCKIN MONEY. Fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit. "silly rabbit Trix are for kids" Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed. FUCK NO!! that wouldn't fly with me.I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin bitches. and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and THEN beat the shit out of them some more. and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid? I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him" NO!!! I'd be thinking, "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just smoking?" Another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast" Last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast. They show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit... who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big
Unknown not me. I don't even EAT breakfast no more. I mean, I eat when I get up. But the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME" Bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the fucking money. Don't give me that shit.
Someone: Back to stupid cereal mascots...Lucky Charms...FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS~ Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year olds?!?!? C'mon now, Lucky. I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE! Or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches. "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
Someone: ....
Someone: KILL THEM, BITCH! I dunno why I went off on this rant here It's just always bothered me.

Funniest Thing I Have Ever Read ((PT. 2))

SO!!! I Do not own anything that is written here...it was from Bash ...and it was funny so I had to post a few...lol


~~**~~
I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section!


Someone: 67% of girls are stupid
Unknown: i belong with the other 13


I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms andshirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, Iwalked into a convenience store down the street and said my girlfriendneeds a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.


Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered littleshits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking thingsover, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind.But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it isokay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today whenI was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was whenthe gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood onthe little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunthe is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.”Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and heinstantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’TGET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying,and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissyat us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye andsay, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me andI’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE." And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entirestore. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’tdefending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away fromthem, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood isdripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And,just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like thecunt she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.


Unknown: so my dad found my porn folder
Unknown: and he was getting all pissed
Unknown: so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
Unknown: "i know dad"
Unknown: "what do you have to say for yourself?"
Unknown: at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes andsay "C:Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
Unknown: and he just shut up
Someone: what is it?
Unknown: its his porn folder


HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT WHAT I'M WRITEING????????????????????????????????


what the fuck is wtf?


I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying"You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them atfunerals.


I tried setting my hotmail password to penis....It said my password wasn't long enough. :(


Well, there's a lot of reasons. I mean, roses only last like a couple weeks. And that's if you leave them in water. And they really only exist to be pretty. So that's like saying. "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance." But a potato! Potatos last for fucking ever, man. In fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack. That part alone makes it a good symbol. But there's more! There are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it! And that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you." And potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome. So that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"


At my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to showeveryone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back thisschools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i findit.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and theygot passed back the cop had 4!!


my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests


Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jackoff a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."


Unknown:Today I might the stupidest 3 people I ever met. Their 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
Someone: what was it
Unknown: ok before I say this. 100% true, not one second of a lie. This lady went into McDonalds today and ordered a big mac for her. And ordered 2 McGrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without. Her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants. She went to the counter furious cause the son that wantedbacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has baconon his. I fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing. So I finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk I swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeatedit. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the orderthey wanted!!


Unkown: do you think i should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? or will he not care?
Someone: Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obligated to give him a blowjob.
Unknown: lol thanks that cheered me up
Someone: No problem. That'll be one blowjob please.


I think the people above me are having sex. Either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.


Someone: If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
Unknown: I dont think so!
Someone: Wanna go camping?


Unknown: Fucked my girlfriend up the ass last night...
Someone: no shit...
Unknown: Well... some..


We're on our way back from partying in NYC over theweekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west. We're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph. Flew past a trooper on the side of the road. Trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway. We're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us. We decided to be good and stop. Cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell. Walks up to the side of the car and goes. "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE" Jason pulls out his fucking pilot's license. Cop's jaw hits the fucking ground. Most stunned face I've ever fucking seen. In this practically a whimper goes "get the fuck out of here" No ticket... too embarrassed apparently. I'll never forget that day long as I live. I was sure we were goin to jail

How the FUCK could you!?!?!?!

So, what are you suppose to do after you go thru a bad break up, then just to be lied to again by THE ONLY MAN IN YOUR LIFE THAT HASNT LIED TO YOU EVER!!!!!!!!

I guess, that was all a lie in itself. I am so pissed, hurt, and angry that I am shaking so bad. God, forgive me for what I am about to do. Krystal forgive me. And Jason....the one guy that I thought would never lie to me....I'm sorry.

One too many...that is for certain.

What did you think I would be mad had you told me the truth in the first place??? News flash...no I wouldnt have. A little surprised...maybe....jealous...maybe. But mad if you would have come out and said it the first time you called....no I wouldnt have. I can not believe that you of ALL people. When I even sat there and said to you on the phone "You are the only guy that has never hurt or lied to ....me....." yet, you sit there and STILL dont tell me the truth!?!? What else have you not told me? What else have you hid from me? GOD!!! I can not believe this!!! No, I cant believe you!

I am sorry...for whatever the FUCK I did to make you lie to make...I am so FUCKING sorry!!!! Why dont you just carve out my heart as well, spit and stomp on it and walk away. Cause thats sure as hell what it feels like!

Again...I am sorry....


WAIT WAIT!!! BREAKIN NEWS!!!

So apparently what you told me in the beginning was the truth as well...so where does that leave my thoughts????

Well, I wish not to say for I do not want someone reading them and finding out thru me. Regardless that I am SO FUCKING pissed off at you....I refuse to make you and someone else UN HAPPY!!! Something you are doin to me. And not just because you arent with me...but because of the lies...the lies that cover up one thing...then half the truth, then more fucking lies!!! I am tired of it. What did I fucking do to make you feel the NEED to lie to me!!!?? You should have KNOWN I would understand anything that you do....

BUT LYING!?!?!?!? Knowing that is what Peter did to me...what D.J. did to me...Everyone else inbetween! And you wanna sit there and FUCKING lie to me!?!?!?!?! What the fuck Jason...I mean really.

And again, I refuse to be the bearer of bad news. If either one of them want to know..then you know what...let your mouth be the one to tell them...cause I will NOT sit here and be the one that hurts them...and importantly you.

GOD!!! WHY THE FUCK CANT I HURT YOU!?!?!?!?!

It would be so easy!!!! Revenge....sweet sweet revenge...but alast I cant!!!! Why??? Cause I know what it feels like to be hurt....(BY YOU)...lied to, felt like I was the shit on the bottom of peoples shoes...yet...I cant sit there and do that to you. You were there for me thru a lot of shit. Thru a ..LOT.. of shit. Yet...one thing that makes me want to just walk away...I cant....cause I love you. And you know what I mean. GOD!! I hate myself for my heart...my tender ways...

Yet....perhaps there is ACTUALLY A MAN out there..that wont take that for granted..that wont use me, lie to me, hurt me....maybe he will hold on tight to me, and make everything that fucking happened to me what it is....past events....

..::If Only::..

Once it seems like everything is getting back on track...something has to come along and knock it off. Why...? Life is already miserable...why did this just have to be added. Shall I explain...? Why not...You already know the recent events of my life, and the sad thing about it...this isn't even half of my life's drama...it's maybe 10% of it...

I guess starting out from this morning would be best huh... Well, I woke up...had this horribly dream about raptors, and this chick from my old school that was even more of a bi*ch, being stuck in this dressing booth at wall-mart...with a raptor...and this chick...then being sucked back into my elementary years. The years where I think I was the most happiest. Where I didn't care about words cause I didn't understand.The time where I could slide down a slide, fall on my ass and have the kid behind me do the same. And it was just like this in my dream. I could see myself running around laughing, throwing wood chips at the other kids, playing jump rope, and sitting on those little round things that when you spun the middle wheel you spun so fast you would always fall onto the hot hard pavement, skin your hands and knees, but you would always get up and smile. This was how it was. And I could feel myself smiling in my sleep. Then, (I have colour-ful dreams) everything when black and white, and this dark figure came over to me and raised my chin. I couldn't help but smile back. He looked me in the eyes (I could only assume it was a guy cause of the voice) and he said, "your life has only begun, soon it will take the path of hate, hurt,violence, and pain." Then, I woke up. As if my spirit was regained to my present state. I looked around and realized...wow...if I only I could go back then and soak up those years. If only I could take the good days and make the stretch out longer then they did. But of course,when I was younger I couldn't wait till I was 18. And now I am, and al lI want is to be 8 again. It's funny how only 10 years could change someone's life.

After I woke up, I went downstairs for I had to piss...yeah I know...and my bro was in there. Obviously doing something that shouldn't be mention....so I won't. As I sat there for what seemed like30 minutes or so...my mom walked thru the door. She smiled at me and said that she missed me (due to the fact that she was at her "love's"all of last week and this weekend). I nodded sheepishly and yawned.Just to let her know I just got up. Finally my bro walked out...magazine in hand. Raising an eyebrow I stood help my breath and took my piss that was killing my bladder. I had a feeling that when I realized it was my great-ful time of the month, that today was indeed gonna be a bad day. Sighing I walked out and the first thing my mom asked me was if we turned the dinning room into a bedroom for her that way my bro could have a room upstairs. Of course, I didn't care at all,but it pissed me off cause when D.J. came to LIVE here that's what we were gonna do...cause my other bro moved in as well. We were gonna give him the dinning room, but mom said "no, I didn't do it for me, so I'mnot gonna do it just so your boyfriend can live here." I wasn't even thinking about D.J.. I was thinking about my brother. But God forbid I do that!!!

Anyway...so we all decided we were gonna do that, and it was gonna be done hopefully this week. Joy. Then...she asked about the trailer that Krystal was gonna try to keep so I could move in and get D.J. down herewith me. Well, I told her that regardless what I say she was gonna call Krystal's mom, get a time to go see it with her boss (who is the one that is wanting to buy the trailer) and there ya go. What I say, again,wouldn't matter. So...to make this shorter then it could and already is...mom called Krystal's mom got a time and what not, and they should be going to see it this week. Again I say...joy. I didn't know how I was gonna tell Krystal. After all she was trying to get it, and now its not only SOMEONE is buying it...MY MOM'S BOSS is buying. I didn't want there to be tension cause it was someone that was close to MY mom.

So Krystal got on YIM and we started talking, and of course the trailer came into the convo. A part of me wanted to lie cause I didn't want her to hate me, but she knows I don't lie, and I couldn't, not to her. So I told her. Told her everything mom said and what not. She's not mad at me...thank God, but she is upset at the situation. But who wouldn't be?So we talked about it, and I told her what I would do if I was in her shoes, and what I would do if I HAD TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO, but she looks at life I guess in a different way, and it's not the same. I guess. I don't know. I even told her I don't understand her some times.But that could be a good thing, puts interest in our friendship...makes me learn a little bit more about her. Not in a bad way either. So, of course she is upset with what is going on, but what can I do besides tell her I'm here for her always and forever, and it will be ok? I feel helpless...hopeless......useless. ..

And that's not it. One more thing...that out weighs everything else. My dad.

He called today to talk to mom, and every time he calls and I answer,he always sounds like he is about to cry. So, to make it so he doesn't I call him "Old Man." lol He chuckles at it, asked how I am, and then asked if he could talk to mom. I said yeah, and head the phone over.After a few minutes, she said she needed me, that she had a problem. I walked over, sat down and asked her what was up. She said it was because of dad, and him wanting to move back home. I wanted to tell her yes, that I wanted him home as well! But the look of anguish in her eyes told me that is not what SHE wanted. And I wasn't about to make my mom go thru pain just to make me happy. So, I told her flat out that i twas something that SHE was gonna have to think about and make a decision on. She said she would always care about "My dad," which is what she says all the time. It's never Tommy...its "Your dad."Anyway...she said that, but she said that she couldn't ever be his wife again, not after what she saw she COULD have with her "love." Not so much with him..but just in general. I guess that..."since I see what I deserve...I'm not going back to what I had," thing. The my bro got into it and started talking about how that is what he wished his wife would do....come back to him. And it started to get really emotional on his part. And I left to go up stairs before the water works began.

So, a few minutes ago...my dad got on YIM!!!! I couldn't believe it!!!!My dad...of all people got on. It was thru his sister's account...but it was still funny to see him come on and say, "Butterfly...you there?"I almost pissed my pants in laughter. Then to have him sit there for 5minutes to type "yes she did" was hysterical!! We were talking about what he asked mom and instead of saying "Maryland" he said "Marry Land." Which is what a lot of folk around here call it, and it was just so funny having my dad actually talk to me..thru YIM!!!! lol I had to avoid using "lol" cause I knew he would be like, "what is one oh one?"lol and I wouldn't be able to answer cause of the laughter that I would have to let erupt!!

I wonder what it would be like today if none of this would happen. I mean...some of the things that my dad did I now understand. But if all of this never would have happened...would I have still lived my life,feeling that my dad never wanted us...? I don't know, but I cant honestly say, that know that I understand...there is so much I want to say sorry to my dad for...if only I could muster the voice to say it without breaking down...

Funniest Thing I Have Ever Read

So, I forgot what site this is from...but I have to say it was the funniest thing ever. I know its long, and I own NONE OF THIS...but it sure was funny.


sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy….
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a fucking wanker!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp… you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh …going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: …still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot ....carmel.... over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple…
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin…
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: …going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Mom just came in and said her "love" isn't moving to Italy, that he is moving to DE (state right next to us...like 30 mintues away) and that he is getting his wife and daughter back together. Ok..that is really great for him! He is only staying with his wife cause of his daughter. Ok...understandable. BUT! As far as my mom and his relationship is concerned...depending on the "circumstances"....they MIGHT go back to doing what they both know is wrong! Even my mom sat there and said that them having a relationship in the manner that they were doing it in was WRONG! But...now they might just turn around and do it all over again...why...just cause she doesn't want to live her "old days" alone?????

Maybe this wont be so short....

She sat there the other day and told me to think about what I hated about her. Ok...you know hate is a very strong word..but for the sake of me right now...I'm gonna use it!

What I Hate About My Mother:

• She smokes tho she knows she should stop
• She drinks way more then she should...and she knows she should stop
• She has an affair...not only once....but now....regardless that her marriage is "over"
• She has this mind set of "having to be with a man"
• She doesn't know how to relax...to stay at home and be with me, or my bro
• She keeps telling me promises and then turns around and finds away to break them without making it seem like she was the bad person
• Instead of teaching me how to do things...she forces me to do them
• She thinks she can just change everything in one night
• Doesn't even try to understand how I feel about any of this..and when I tell her...She will tell me I have to get over it. This is her life, not mine.

She said that years down the road the things I hate about my mom I will do. Ummm....I can tell you right now...I would NEVER cheat or have an affair with someone...I wouldn't hurt the person I promised my life to unless it was OFFICIALLY over! And on that note I wouldn't do it with a man (have an affair) that is married and has a FIVE YEAR OLD FUCKING DAUGHTER!!!!!

Do you see why this angers me so...? It's stupid...childish....immature! Yet, I'm the one that needs to grow up...get a job...get my own place...my own car. All when I'm 18??? Wasn't I suppose to have this fun part of my life...where I go out...have fun...get drunk...maybe go to jail for the night?! I mean...something?! Apparently not! I'm suppose to be out and an ADULT when I'm 18...yet she sits there and calls me a kid...an immature kid that isn't an adult until I am 21 cause that is the legal age to drink. Does that even fucking make sense!?!?! No, I didn't think so.

God, this is just too much...I mean...not as much as I couldn't stand it..but the stupid-ness of it....the retardation...the immaturity on her part....God..it's dumb. And really just getting old. I expect this out of a teenager. You know...the affair thing...but not my OWN MOTHER! Not someone that sat there and taught me to be loyal, trusting, helpful, and to set morals for myself. I do...I have thru my whole life...and now I see...

Did she want me to do this just because she didn't? Is it because she knew how she was, and she didn't want me to turn into that?? Well ya know what....I can defiantly say I will not do that!! I personally will not do what my mother has done to me.

It just....ARGH!!!!!

...Everything In-between...

So, more shit to get off my chest! Well, I dont know weather or not to post about Krystal first, My other lil sister or myself.

Lets start with Krystal...

The basics with Krystal...Her mom is being a bitch. Not only to her...but now to me, and her boyfriend. Her mom thinks we tell Krystal what to say, and that Krystal has us over so she looks big and bad. How the fuck is that suppose to work out!? We are there to help her, comfort her. I mean come on. I'm her best friend and her boyfriend is...well is there anything more to say about?! I mean are we suppose to sit there and not care? Act like how her mom is, and just pretend she is ok?? Well, I'm sorry...but I cant. Luna is the closest thing I have to an older sister, to a sister period (Besides my lil sis), she is my best friend. She is part of my life!!! I cant sit there and fucking pretend that what her mom is doing to her isnt hurting her. Unlike what her mom is doing. God....what the fuck!?!?!?!

Now, today I just got a call from a very long time friend, a younger chick, my little sister as I would call her. Now...I know she may not be as close to me as she was before, or the fact that she is as close to me as Luna is...but she is still my little sister, and I love her much. So, when she called me...to tell me that her and her boyfriend are still dating. I was happy. (Note: Her boyfriend is black, and she is white). This...is not a issue AT ALL to me. Anyway, she sat there and told me everything is pretty good. She's about to turn 18 =) about to graduate high school =) She is paying her diver's ed with HER OWN BIRTHDAY MONEY!!! <-- That made me really proud!!! Regardless that her mom would and could buy it, she would prefer to buy it herself. Which again I say...I am proud. <3 college =")">Me and D.J were going around the state, I was showing him places of interest, and places where I grew up. I got to Fairlee...my hometown, and showed him where my grandparents' store use to be, to where the trailer was where I lived when we met the first time. And when we were there, I saw my dad throwing something away in the dumpster. Confused I walked up to him cause he looked like he didnt shower for a while, and wore clothes that had holes in them and everything. I walked up happy to see him tho, after what seemed like forever, and introduced him to D.J. We stood there and talked for like hours, until he gave me one last kiss said "Keep flying my butterfly" and he walked away. I fell to my knees crying.

Then I woke up.

Anyway....mom called the guy my dad was suppose to be staying with, and he told her that the week after my dad last saw me and my brother, he bought a bus ticket and left. He didnt know where, just knew he left. At this point when mom told me, I was in a panic. I couldnt believe that my dad would run away...and leave me. I mean I knew without a doubt he would call had he wanted to do something like that. My mom called his brother. Jr. Said he didnt know either, but he called his sister, Sissy, and she said that he was there. Mom started talking to dad, and to find out he left because he couldnt stand being down there knowing that we were never gonna go down there. And at least this way he was still with his family. Tho it hurts that dad isnt with me, I truly believe its best that he spends time with his brothers and sister before they...pass. Especially Jr. He is very old and needs an oxygen tank all the time. So, like my mom has always told me...God works in mysterious ways...and this is indeed one of them. Tho I know he is fine, I still miss him like crazy, and I told him that once I got a job, a car and my license I would be there every weekend to see him! And that is indeed a promise I intend to keep!

Now...to my mom.....

She finally got it thru her head that what she and her "love" was doing, was not right. He was married, she still was, and now he might be leaving to go to Italy in a year. Mom even said if he did she was leaving Maryland (where we are lol). Anyway...mom started reading this book about Mother and Daughter relationship...about how what the mom does and doesnt do will play a rule in my future life. She wants me to read it, to understand what she is slowly understanding now. Ok...fine and dandy. I sat there and told her that her drinking is something I dont like...and she said she is a social drinker. Bullshit! Every time she goes to her boss' house...she drinks. And she is over there at least 4 times out of the week. I asked her, just once, go there and not drink. And she says I cant. And I said...then you are a drinker! An Alchy if you will. Her real father was an abusive drunk, her brother was the same way, and it almost grabbed her mother. And when I told her that the reason why she drinks is because of the fact that she is pushing the thought of her "love" my dad, me, my brothers, and the bills and everything else that is bothering her..out for a while. She denied it. Another point in her being an Alchy. I asked her to stop...and she said..."I dont want to." Again...Alchy point. Then...just a few minutes ago she said that she didnt want to live the remainder of her older days alone. That she would get with back with dad if need be. She herself said this need to feel a Man's want is because of the fact her father left her and didnt want her, and that carried on thru all of her life. Sad and dumb as it sounds...it makes since.

Anyway...

I found out my mom had an affair after I was 3 months old...I didnt know about this. And know I understand why my dad keep her "on a short leash." Tho it wasnt right...he had his reasons. And with that fact, and the fact that she did what she did with her "love" he wont take her back. She knows it. So what now...every time she gets remotely close to a guy is she gonna turn around and make it a relationship so she isnt alone?!?!?! That's retarded!!! Stupid!!!

Lastly I say this.....WTF!?!?!?!?