...::Thinking::...

So, I have realized lately that thinking is not a good thing for me...yet I can not stop my mind. What is it I am thinking of you might be asking yourself, or wondering...
What if I just cut it off right there...with me telling you I’m thinking...Would you be pissed? I know I would be. That was a pointless blog, and a waste of time. lol Anyway...back to me thinking. Well, I've been thinking about everything. My mom, dad, my life, what has happened the last 7 months, Krystal, Jessie, my bros...and ex's.

Let’s break this down...piece by piece.

MOM: I love her so much, that seeing her put herself thru pointless bullshit hurts. She still wants to stay friends with David. (the lover guy). And so far it has caused issues at work, and issues on her emotions. Its like...we all know she loves me dad, or he wouldn’t be home right now, but its just that she loves him and is not wanting or maybe she is just not ready to get back with him has man and wife. Whatever that is fine. As long as she isn’t doing what she was doing...I’m fine. But, its still her trying to be his friend...I guess that, since I know how he is when they were "dating" what makes it any different then now...? His family will always come first, and he will eventually throw mom aside to be with his family.

DAD: I wish I could look at him and tell him he is trying too hard. He tells me that if only he could be moms friend he would be fine. Doesn’t he see that they are? Doesn’t he see that right now mom is content as far as her and dad are concerned? I guess not. He came to me the other day and asked what did he have to do to get mom back. And It was hard to sit there and tell him that it wasn’t in my place...which it isn’t. But still. I know he wanted to hear something that could help. But I cant do that, not when I know mom is’t wanting anything further with anyone right now. But I did tell him that right now he and she needed to work on communication. One thing they lacked before. And that it is a balance between him and mom. A balance that neither me or them could find over night. And it’s not something I will get myself into. Not when I am trying to get my life straight.

MY LIFE: And with this, I don’t mean the past...that will come later. lol What I do mean is my future. I need a job, my license, and a car. And after that everything will be a little easier. My future that is. I know the first thing I will be saving up for is college. I need to get to college soon to get my RN. And then I can get a better job, and save up for Med school. And then that’s another 8 years of that to be a surgeon. And some where between getting or having my RN I want my own place. And help mom out with her bills. So many plans...and as you can tell not once did I say..."I want to get married before I go to Med school." If you would have asked me when I wanted to get married about 5 months ago, I would have said "when I had the money, probably after I got my RN." But now...I’m not even gonna think about it. As far as I am concerned right now...men as asses...and I hate them...lol not really. But I definitely don’t want to be with one right now.

LAST 7 MONTHS: Most of you that talk to me and will actually read this knows what happened in the last 7 months. And this is everything with dad leaving, mom getting the separation, mom and David, DJ coming back, everything that happened with that issue, dad coming back, and mom and David trying to stay friends. Whoo! Fun...not really. I was suppose to have my own place right now with Krystal...we were suppose to be off on our own...but damn this town for not hiring anyone!! So, now its all about trying to get a job to get ahead…whoo. I don’t know what to really say about this situation…I mean it happened…I got thru it, with help. But I got thru it. And now, its still there…like the problems are just staring into my eyes. Waiting for me to slap them…or something. But I cant. So, do I walk away, or face them again? I don’t know…but I promise to get thru it as well.

KRYSTAL: All the shit she is going thru, I feel my problems as so small. And she might even think so when she lays there at night. But, there is nothing I can do or say about that. But I want everything to get better. We have been handed shit for years…our whole lives…and still it’s shoveled our way. I don’t want anyone else to have shit on their plates…and yet I wish it would get off ours. It’s not my place to say anything on her part…But I want her to know I’m sorry. I may not have done anything to make you feel such…but I am sorry that you feel that way, and that shit stills keeps a-coming. I wish one day we could both just wake up, and be happy. And everything would be back to good and happy times. Never gonna happen…I know…but I was just thinking.

JESSIE: I know we don’t hang out as much, and I am sorry. But maybe once you get out of school and neither of us are working…hoping I get a job as well that is, then we can hang out again. I know we wont be as close as were…but you are still my lil sis. And though you are a legal adult…and you mature just as well, you will always be my lil sis. And I will look at you like tho. But at the same time, I know you are an adult and you will be treated that way when it comes to me. I love you sweetie. I always have, always will. Some people wonder why I stay your friend after all the bullshit. But that’s just it…it was bullshit, and it’s not worth forgetting about you and just walking away. We have been thru some good times that will always and forever over ride those bad ones. I can remember when we were at your dads and we would sleep in the little house you had, and we were up all night playing vampires. Lol Those were very good times!

BROS: I wish Steve would get over everything, and start living! Not sitting on the computer and playing WoW all day, everyday, when he is up, and not working. That is wasting his life away, and its kills me everyday to see that. Yeah, I may play it as well…but I am also downstairs with dad, or walking around (when it’s not freakin cold). But what he does is sits there…play, and say “Life is just a way to prolong our death.” Like he doesn’t even care about the days he are given. Talk about being emo. And Sam…my poor poor Sam. When I went to get my GED, I had to write an essay on who my hero was. And I didn’t write about my mom, I wrote about Sam. And this was way before me and him actually became close. Lol But I wrote about him, how is went got his GED and now is making something of himself. We have always been competitive. And making something of ourselves is something that we will both fight over. He wants to be a cop. I am so proud that he wants to help people…yet at the same time. I don’t want wake up one day and see him…you know. But that is something I will have to push thru. I will support him thru everything he decided to do, and I know he will support me. I do love you both so much, and Sam…I am proud. I doubt you will ever read this…but that is ok. I know you know I love you, and I hope you know I am proud of you. You are indeed my hero!

EX’S: Ok, the fun part. Yes I deleted that one blog…but whatever it was out of immature behavior. Anyway…So far 3 ex’s have come back and 2 asked me to go back with them. I said yes to one…aka the 7 months of bullshitted drama. Anyway…the third one came and now I have this urge to just say forget it. Don’t bother. But that’s not me. I’m not like that, and I will never be that rude to someone. But, last night I was laying there…thinking. And Peter popped into my head. Lately I have been thinking a lot about him. Mainly because with any guy I run into I will compare them to Peter. Part of me says that this is because I am not over him. And this might and probably be true. Lol but last night as I was thinking…I thought about how funny it would be if he too came back. And as soon as that thought crossed my mind, and part of me wished he would. Just to say hi, tell me everything with him was ok. But anyway…I went to a friends page, that he is friends with, (She added something to her profile and I wanted to say hi) anyway…I saw that Peter had a new myspace thingy…and on it he said he was stationed at ....Camp.. ..Kinser..... Yeah, my reactions exactly. I couldn’t believe it. I had to look it up to see if it was real, and it is. But what a coincidence!!! And if you know me, you know why. But I laughed so hard when I found out it was true. I wonder what the look on his face was when he got stationed there. ^_^ Maybe he was pissed cause of it, and wanted to be re-stationed…I wish I could ask him about it. Maybe he will come back. I sent the friend an e-mail and asked her to send something to him. I cant even send him a message… =( Why am I even thinking about him…? I cant figure that one out.

I hope he is fine…happy, and doing well over there. I needed to get this out. I couldn’t keep thinking about it. I miss you Peter. I hope your fine.

Well, I guess that’s it. I don’t know what my heart and mind are doing to me. This is my time to figure some things out for myself…and figure them out I shall. Thanks for listening…well reading.