Funniest Thing I Have Ever Read ((PT. 2))

SO!!! I Do not own anything that is written here...it was from Bash ...and it was funny so I had to post a few...lol


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I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section!


Someone: 67% of girls are stupid
Unknown: i belong with the other 13


I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms andshirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, Iwalked into a convenience store down the street and said my girlfriendneeds a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.


Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered littleshits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking thingsover, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind.But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it isokay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today whenI was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was whenthe gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood onthe little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunthe is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.”Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and heinstantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’TGET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying,and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissyat us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye andsay, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me andI’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE." And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entirestore. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’tdefending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away fromthem, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood isdripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And,just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like thecunt she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.


Unknown: so my dad found my porn folder
Unknown: and he was getting all pissed
Unknown: so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
Unknown: "i know dad"
Unknown: "what do you have to say for yourself?"
Unknown: at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes andsay "C:Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
Unknown: and he just shut up
Someone: what is it?
Unknown: its his porn folder


HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT WHAT I'M WRITEING????????????????????????????????


what the fuck is wtf?


I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying"You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them atfunerals.


I tried setting my hotmail password to penis....It said my password wasn't long enough. :(


Well, there's a lot of reasons. I mean, roses only last like a couple weeks. And that's if you leave them in water. And they really only exist to be pretty. So that's like saying. "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance." But a potato! Potatos last for fucking ever, man. In fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack. That part alone makes it a good symbol. But there's more! There are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it! And that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you." And potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome. So that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"


At my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to showeveryone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back thisschools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i findit.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and theygot passed back the cop had 4!!


my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests


Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jackoff a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."


Unknown:Today I might the stupidest 3 people I ever met. Their 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
Someone: what was it
Unknown: ok before I say this. 100% true, not one second of a lie. This lady went into McDonalds today and ordered a big mac for her. And ordered 2 McGrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without. Her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants. She went to the counter furious cause the son that wantedbacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has baconon his. I fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing. So I finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk I swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeatedit. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the orderthey wanted!!


Unkown: do you think i should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? or will he not care?
Someone: Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obligated to give him a blowjob.
Unknown: lol thanks that cheered me up
Someone: No problem. That'll be one blowjob please.


I think the people above me are having sex. Either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.


Someone: If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
Unknown: I dont think so!
Someone: Wanna go camping?


Unknown: Fucked my girlfriend up the ass last night...
Someone: no shit...
Unknown: Well... some..


We're on our way back from partying in NYC over theweekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west. We're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph. Flew past a trooper on the side of the road. Trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway. We're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us. We decided to be good and stop. Cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell. Walks up to the side of the car and goes. "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE" Jason pulls out his fucking pilot's license. Cop's jaw hits the fucking ground. Most stunned face I've ever fucking seen. In this practically a whimper goes "get the fuck out of here" No ticket... too embarrassed apparently. I'll never forget that day long as I live. I was sure we were goin to jail