(((The song title is the song I am referring to)))
................
Have you ever sat there and asked yourself what you were
doing? Why were you putting yourself thru something you didn’t need to go thru?
Or why you did something? Well, every day I ask myself those questions.
.. ..
I found out I am completely blocked by him. Oh well, that is
his choice, I just hope he is fine and doing well, and that is all I will say
about that situation. The question behind that particular situation is for the
fact that every time I listen to this one song I think of him. And I need to
stop. I mean after all, it was well over a year that he left…this October will be
2 years. And yet I still can’t get over it. I guess I can’t get over what he
did, and why he now wants nothing to do with me. I’m a person that likes
closure. I need to know why you did this, and why you did that. I mean you hurt
me in the process of it, so there has to be a reason behind this pain that I am
feeling. And to sit there and here “Oh you didn’t do anything…” Well, I know in
my heart that is a lie. If I didn’t do anything…then why the fuck wont you at
least talk to me?! At least keep that last promise that no matter what we would
still be friends?! Yeah, no answer right…because you can’t think of another lie
to tell me!!
.. ..
Lies.
I am sick and tired of them. Every time I turn around that
is what I am getting. Why the fuck cant people just tell the truth?! Yeah, some
may be hurt by the truth…but just imagine the pain of finding out what was said
was nothing more than a lie! Yeah, the intentions of lying might be in the
right place…but it does not make it right to do it! Think about the
consequences of saying something you don’t mean…all because you want to protect
that person. Protect them from what…? THE TRUTH?! If they can sit there and
take the lie, then turn around and take the truth and the pain that came with
it, I am sure they could have handled the truth from the beginning. Oh, but you
figured they would never find out the truth right…? Yeah, well think again,
cause some how, some way they will find out! It’s hard enough to hear it from
your mouth, harder to hear it from someone else’s, and worse to have to find it
out by chance! And then comes the confrontation. And then you finally let it
out…and then you feel guilty, you may even start to cry…and then what? The
person you lied to is suppose to pity you…for hurting them??
.. ..
NO!
I am sick of doing this to myself. I am sick of trying to
figure out what I do wrong. There is a part of me that tells me what it is that
I do wrong in any situation…and I admit them. But then when it comes to having
someone ignore you completely…it’s then that I try to figure out what it was
that I did…? ARGH! I am sick of trying to give everyone the benefit of the
doubt. Of letting them be the one that is in the right, and I am in the wrong.
I’m not half the time, and it’s now that I find this out!
.. ..
When will it be my turn to be just plain happy; even if that
means no boyfriend or whatever? But I mean…just happy. Genuinely happy. When will
my time come…thru all the pain and hurt, and tears and blood I have shed…when
is it my turn to put the tissue down, and to finally put a smile on my face and
mean it? Every time I think I am just happy…something comes and rips it away.
Like I will never be able to find it…or when I do…it’s not meant for me to
grasp it. Like the other night…I went out...had a blast! Something I have NEVER
done before…and it was great! To be able to sit there and just talk with a guy
was awesome! (I couldn’t think of a better word to use). And now…its like…I’m
nothing again, and that little moment of happiness I had. That small rip in
time that made me smile and really mean it cause we were hanging out, and
nothing was about sex…it was then ripped away the moment I went home and closed
it outside that front door.
.. ..
And to sit here and feel this is despicable. I know I may
not be skinny…but Jesus Christ!! Does my personality not mean shit to people!?
You sit there and hear how guys want a chick that isn’t self centered, not all
about money, and has an amazing personality. I can tell you right now…if I was
a guy…I’d date me! Lol But seriously!! I am just fed up with it. I try to sit
there and give reason as to why I haven’t even heard from him…and it’s like…what
the fuck is wrong with me?! People don’t hang out with each other every fucking
day!! But then I guess it’s that feeling of not being worth shit…so the moment
I think I mean something…even if it is being a friend to someone…I cling on to
it, because I don’t want to be just another thing to throw away. I understand
my thoughts…I understand my behavior. Well, now anyways. And now it’s up to me
to change that. And today I think was my first step. I haven’t called or texted
anyone…including that one person all day. And I wont tomorrow; not for a few
days anyways.
.. ..
Some good news though…
I lost another 5 pounds
AND
I might most likely will have a job by this weekend
.. ..
and I can finally lose this fucking weight that keeps others at bay from me…ARGH!!
I hate the weight…and I swear…I will be loosing it this year! Mark my words!
No comments:
Post a Comment