How the FUCK could you!?!?!?!

So, what are you suppose to do after you go thru a bad break up, then just to be lied to again by THE ONLY MAN IN YOUR LIFE THAT HASNT LIED TO YOU EVER!!!!!!!!

I guess, that was all a lie in itself. I am so pissed, hurt, and angry that I am shaking so bad. God, forgive me for what I am about to do. Krystal forgive me. And Jason....the one guy that I thought would never lie to me....I'm sorry.

One too many...that is for certain.

What did you think I would be mad had you told me the truth in the first place??? News flash...no I wouldnt have. A little surprised...maybe....jealous...maybe. But mad if you would have come out and said it the first time you called....no I wouldnt have. I can not believe that you of ALL people. When I even sat there and said to you on the phone "You are the only guy that has never hurt or lied to ....me....." yet, you sit there and STILL dont tell me the truth!?!? What else have you not told me? What else have you hid from me? GOD!!! I can not believe this!!! No, I cant believe you!

I am sorry...for whatever the FUCK I did to make you lie to make...I am so FUCKING sorry!!!! Why dont you just carve out my heart as well, spit and stomp on it and walk away. Cause thats sure as hell what it feels like!

Again...I am sorry....


WAIT WAIT!!! BREAKIN NEWS!!!

So apparently what you told me in the beginning was the truth as well...so where does that leave my thoughts????

Well, I wish not to say for I do not want someone reading them and finding out thru me. Regardless that I am SO FUCKING pissed off at you....I refuse to make you and someone else UN HAPPY!!! Something you are doin to me. And not just because you arent with me...but because of the lies...the lies that cover up one thing...then half the truth, then more fucking lies!!! I am tired of it. What did I fucking do to make you feel the NEED to lie to me!!!?? You should have KNOWN I would understand anything that you do....

BUT LYING!?!?!?!? Knowing that is what Peter did to me...what D.J. did to me...Everyone else inbetween! And you wanna sit there and FUCKING lie to me!?!?!?!?! What the fuck Jason...I mean really.

And again, I refuse to be the bearer of bad news. If either one of them want to know..then you know what...let your mouth be the one to tell them...cause I will NOT sit here and be the one that hurts them...and importantly you.

GOD!!! WHY THE FUCK CANT I HURT YOU!?!?!?!?!

It would be so easy!!!! Revenge....sweet sweet revenge...but alast I cant!!!! Why??? Cause I know what it feels like to be hurt....(BY YOU)...lied to, felt like I was the shit on the bottom of peoples shoes...yet...I cant sit there and do that to you. You were there for me thru a lot of shit. Thru a ..LOT.. of shit. Yet...one thing that makes me want to just walk away...I cant....cause I love you. And you know what I mean. GOD!! I hate myself for my heart...my tender ways...

Yet....perhaps there is ACTUALLY A MAN out there..that wont take that for granted..that wont use me, lie to me, hurt me....maybe he will hold on tight to me, and make everything that fucking happened to me what it is....past events....