So, let me get this straight, you think its ok to just come to me and say you're sorry about everything? That you know how I feel? That it was all for the best? Let me tell you something sweetcakes...you DONT know how I feel. He was YOUR FIRST...You dont know what it is like to be hurt, over and over and over and over and over again...and THEN hurt again by someone you started to trust again! What you are feeling and what I am feeling are two DIFFERENT things. Besides...he went back to you. I dont know if you read my blogs, look at the comments I posted to people that you know...or mabye you and him sat down and decided it was time to say sorry for what you have done to ME! I dont know what the case may be...but truth be told I am hurt like hell!!! I wish I was like him...just able to push someone away like he did you to go back out with someone, then just to push the someone aside to go back with the first one (you). But I cant. Wanna know why...? Cause my LOVE is real. Its true. And its not something you can just say one minute and mean it, but turn around and not mean it the second something happens. Wanna know what else...? I dont run from my problems...I dont push the best thing that has happened in my life away because of guilt! Or because of FEAR! I dont do that! And I wish he would learn to stop. Not because of me...no...fuck me...but because of you! I hope he does grows up and means it. Cause with everything he has been doin to me after HE left ME, has not been grown up at all! You two wanna act immature about it...fine. Be my guest...I dont care. But I have better things to do in my life.
And you are right, Im not gonna kill myself over him or ANYONE else for that matter!! My life is so valuable to be just thrown away due to some ASSHOLE that decided guilt was too much to bear, and that fear was something that did indeed conqure..."love." But when I wrote that I was hurt, mad, angry, confused...you know the whole nine yards when it comes to a break up. And you personally should know about that.
And I started to talk to a really great guy that is NOTHING more than my friend. He has been making me laugh thru all this, and I can not thank him enough...and if I didnt say it already THANK YOU A***!!!!
To the asshole that left me lifeless...what Krystal told you was true, she has been taking care of me way before you and will do so long after, so dont sit there and act all concerned about me and worried that I will do something stupid...and that you want her to take care of me. You know what...if you did care...if there was ANY part of you that loved me more then God does...then you wouldnt have done what you did. Not because of guilt! Or fear for that matter! You know...maybe the stupid thing was thinking you grew up, and were now able to confront your fears and be able to embrace ALL emotions. Love, fear, hurt, happiness, pain, etc. But...apparently not. Maybe one day you will. I have to say tho, thanks for walking into my life, walk out, then back in...and just to walk back out. I can PROMISE you one more thing tho. I will NEVER EVER think about takin you back. Not after this. Not after what you have done to me. Not after what you have done to her as well. It was wrong, childish, stupid, and immature. I will forgive you however...cause I refuse to give you the satisfaction of me hating you. I wont you to go to sleep at night KNOWING that I will FOREVER and ALWAYS love you!! Cause I will...and always will.
Krystal...my lover...if she were a man..and single...lol. I can not thank you enough. You have been by my side thru all this shit and then some. I will never be able to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. If there was ever a way to be soul-mates and not in that lover sense...lol...then you would be mine. ((I know I know...lesbian-ish lol))) But you know what I mean. I love you Banana...more then those three little...incomprehension words can describe! I would lay my life down..I would go to jail...I would take a bullet..anything you would need to make your life better I would do. But I think right now the best thing I can do is be there with you thru all your shit as well. To be your shoulder to cry on. To give you support when you need it. I know I will never think I am doing you justice for all that you have done and will do for me. ((Yes, I see the future)). But I hope the little that I KNOW I do, helps you in whatever way possible. And maybe one day I will be able to look at you and show and tell you how much you truly mean to me. You are my lifesaver! I thank you for it! There will never be anyone to replace you...my best friend!
*Sigh* ok...Im not mad at you for sending that message...actually there is a SMALL...well...SMALL part of me that thanks you for being slightly mature about it, and saying sorry. I accept it. And like I sent that message to your mother...I am sorry as well. This shit should HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!! Some times I wonder why you took him back. I mean if all the shit you told me was true, and then this...why would you take him back?? Are you afraid that he is the only thing that makes you feel worthy...worthy of love??...of acceptance?? Well, maybe you will realize he's not. Not after what he put you and I thru. I wish him no harm, for like I said, I do love him, and I care deeply about him. But I will never look at him the same...or ever talk to him again. Not after this. I hope you the best. I hope you wake up one day and think all this thru. I hope he grows up. I hope he lives a great wonderful life without me. I hope...I hope for a lot of things...and not one of them is coming true.
~.~.~
Like that 20 Mill I owe A*** to show him Im the one... LMAO ((Inside joke...you wouldnt get it)) Eh, Ill get it in like 10 years...but...oh no...the divorce!!! Whatever will he do!?!
~.~.~
~Speical thanks to my self control for not over doing it this time.
~Thanks to Krystal for being my...princess...who let down...her long...hair for me...lol
~And A***...you are indeed a funny mother fucker. Glad I met you!! My 007!
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Awww......you made me cry. Good cry of course. Lover. If I was a MAN and SINGLE.... lol that made me laugh. So true though but alas we need men too much and I am not single lol. You know I will always be here for you, through EVERYTHING. You will always be my best friend and no one will ever replace you either. Yes, you might get annoying, who doesn't. Yes, you the issues might get over bearing at points, but I don't care. Yes, life is gonna be hard for us, but that is why we have each other. I am proud of you for being the bigger person in this situation with ass wipe and hoe face. I don't know if I ever can forgive him but alas I did not love him like you do. All I can tell you though just like I told him and you reiterated, I was taking care of you long before him and will be until the day I die. I love you sweetie.
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